It’s common for women to experience some negative emotions towards their partner after having a baby. Feeling resentful, angry, or distant from your husband in the postpartum period is normal and does not make you a bad wife or partner. Here are some quick answers about why resentment occurs and how couples can cope:
Quick Answers
Is resentment towards husband normal after having a baby?
Yes, feeling some resentment is very common due to hormonal changes, lack of sleep, division of labor concerns, and the stresses of caring for a newborn.
What causes resentment towards husbands after childbirth?
Resentment after having a baby is often caused by:
- Hormonal changes
- Fatigue and lack of sleep
- The unequal division of household duties and childcare
- Feeling like your needs are being neglected
- Stress, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed
How long does resentment last?
For many women, the most intense resentment subsides within a few months as hormones regulate and couples adjust. But if underlying issues are not addressed, resentment can linger much longer.
What can husbands do if wife is resentful?
Husbands can:
- Take on more baby care and household responsibilities
- Give mom breaks to rest and recharge
- Provide emotional support and affection
- Communicate openly and listen
- Seek counseling or support if needed
Why Resentment Occurs
While bringing home a new baby is filled with joy, the huge life change also brings many challenges that can strain the marital relationship and stir up resentment if not handled well. Here are some of the most common reasons resentment towards husbands develops after having a child:
Hormonal Changes
One major factor is hormonal changes. The dramatic drop in estrogen and progesterone after delivering a baby can make some women more irritable, anxious, sad, exhausted, and emotionally sensitive in the early postpartum weeks. Combine raging hormones with lack of sleep and discomfort from vaginal delivery or c-section, and resentment can understandably brew.
Fatigue and Lack of Sleep
Crushing fatigue from sleep deprivation is one of the hardest parts of caring for a newborn. Since mothers tend to bear the brunt of night wakings and baby care, exhaustion can quickly set in. Seeing your husband sleeping peacefully while you are up breastfeeding every 2 hours can breed jealousy and resentment.
Inequality in Division of Labor
Many times, resentment stems from the imbalance of household duties and childcare that falls on the mother’s shoulders after birth. While fathers often help out, the bulk of daily tasks like feeding, bathing, soothing, laundering, cooking, cleaning, and planning typically default to the mom. This unequal distribution of labor can leave new moms feeling overwhelmed, undervalued, and angry at their partner.
Feeling Neglected
New moms often feel neglected after having a baby since most time and energy goes towards caring for the baby. Intimate time as a couple decreases dramatically, and mothers may feel like their own needs come second to the baby’s needs. Having little time focused on her can lead a woman to resent her husband.
Stress, Anxiety and Feeling Overwhelmed
For many mothers, the demands of nearly single-handedly caring for an infant combined with sleep deprivation, recovering from childbirth, raging hormones, and all the additional stress make them feel extremely overwhelmed. The huge burden placed on mothers and lack of time for self-care often results in anxiety, loneliness, irritability and general emotional fragility, which breeds resentment when support feels lacking.
How Long Does Resentment Last?
For many women, the most intense feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration toward their partner peak in the first 3-6 months postpartum as hormones regulate and couples adjust to their new normal. As the baby begins sleeping more, mothers recover from labor and delivery, and parents get more used to their new roles, negative emotions tend to subside.
However, this timeline varies widely. Some couples experience very little resentment, while others still struggle years later, especially if underlying marital issues or conflicts over parenting are not resolved. Unaddressed resentment, disparity in duties, and poor communication can continue to breed contempt long-term.
Postpartum depression or anxiety may also make resentment linger. Professional counseling is recommended if severe resentment lasts more than 6-12 months post-birth. Ongoing couple’s therapy can help partners work through chronic issues like unequal division of labor, lack of intimacy, poor communication, or differences in parenting styles.
What Can Husbands Do?
For husbands wondering what they can do when their postpartum wife seems constantly angry and resentful towards them, here are some tips:
Take on More Baby Care and Household Duties
Lightening mom’s mental load is the number one thing dads can do to ease resentment. Taking over more daily childcare responsibilities like changing diapers, giving baths, doing bedtime routines, and giving bottles allows moms some breathing room. And picking up more chores around the house like laundry, dishes, cleaning, and cooking is vital too. Sharing duties is key.
Give Her Breaks and Time to Recharge
Watching the baby to allow your wife to take naps, enjoy hobbies, see friends, or get things done without the baby makes a huge difference. Encourage her to take time for self-care. Hire a babysitter so you can give mom regular date nights and breaks from the baby.
Provide Emotional Support and Affection
Be patient, empathetic, and provide reassurance if your postpartum wife seems weepy, anxious, or resentful. Offer plenty of affectionate words, hugs, cuddles, and physical intimacy to help her feel loved, supported, and less alone. But let her take the lead regarding sexual intimacy when she feels ready.
Communicate Openly and Listen
Keep communication open, discuss responsibilities and struggles sensitively, and let your wife share feelings without getting defensive. Actively listen and seek to understand her perspective if she expresses discontent. Validate her feelings and work together to find solutions.
Seek Counseling or Support If Needed
If support from friends and family is not enough to remedy ongoing resentment, it may help to talk to a counselor who specializes in postpartum and couples issues. They can offer productive solutions on sharing duties, expressing needs, and restoring intimacy and trust in your marriage after baby.
Coping Strategies for Mothers
While husbands play a key role in reducing resentment, there are some ways new moms can help themselves cope if they are feeling anger and bitterness in the postpartum period:
Communicate Needs
Don’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader. Express what specific help and support you need from him each day or week to lighten your load. Come up with a plan to share duties realistically.
Accept Help from Others
Don’t try to do everything yourself. Accept help from family and friends to ease stress. Hire a mother’s helper if you can afford it, even for a few hours a week.
Practice Self-care
Make time to exercise, pursue hobbies, and do things just for you, even if it’s just a long shower or reading while baby naps. Taking care of yourself helps you better care for your baby and eases resentment.
Bond with Your Baby
Spending positive one-on-one time enjoying your new bundle of joy can help release feel-good hormones and make the challenges feel more worthwhile.
Join a Support Group
Connecting with other new moms dealing with similar emotions and struggles can help you feel less alone. Seek solidarity and advice.
Seek Couples Counseling
If you need more help navigating issues with your husband, visit a counselor who focuses on postpartum and relationship challenges. An objective third party can guide you to solutions.
Practice Gratitude
When you feel resentment building, try to refocus on the positive – both in your husband and in your life. Remind yourself of all you have to be thankful for.
Give it Time
Keep in mind that the most intense emotions tend to be temporary. As you and baby both adjust, it will get easier. Be patient and kind with yourself and your partner.
When to Seek Help
While it’s normal to experience some resentment and moodiness after having a baby, it’s a good idea to seek help from your doctor or a mental health professional if any of the following apply:
- Resentment is accompanied by symptoms of depression like sadness, guilt, worthlessness, or thoughts of self-harm.
- Anger and irritability are intense and constant, making it difficult to function.
- Resentment is causing you to be hostile, punitive, or withdraw from your partner.
- You are experiencing anxiety, panic attacks, irrational fears or OCD symptoms.
- Resentment lasts longer than 6-12 months postpartum.
- Your relationship suffers without attempts to improve communication and divide duties in your home.
Postpartum mental health issues like depression, anxiety disorders, and OCD are treatable with professional help. Counseling can also help couples tackle ongoing tension, resentment, or unfair divisions of labor that threaten the relationship.
When to Let it Go
As difficult as postpartum resentment can feel, it’s also important not to beat yourself up over having normal negative emotions after birth. Accept that resentful feelings may arise without labeling yourself a “bad” wife or mother. If you notice resentment lingering months or years later, take it as a sign to seek help.
But for everyday moments of resentment in the first weeks postpartum? Learn to let them go. Remind yourself this is temporary, focus on the positive, and give yourself lots of self-compassion during this challenging transition.
The Bottom Line
Experiencing some resentment, frustration, and negativity towards your partner after having a child is very common and not a sign of a bad relationship – it’s simply an understandable reaction to the huge life change and demands of caring for an infant. Be patient, communicate openly, seek help if needed, and know that for most couples, resentment peaks and fades within the first 3-6 months postpartum. With teamwork, empathy, realistic expectations, and a sense of humor, you and your partner can get through this challenging but beautiful new chapter together.
