After decades spent building a life together, why do some long-term couples decide to split up? This is a complex question with no single answer, but there are some common reasons long-term marriages fall apart.
Falling out of love
One of the most common reasons for splits after many years is that one or both partners have fallen out of romantic love. The passion and attraction that brought a couple together can fade over time as the relationship becomes more like a partnership or friendship. If spouses no longer feel “in love,” they may believe the marriage has run its course.
Different goals and changing priorities
Over 25+ years, partners often grow and change tremendously as individuals. The goals, desires, and priorities that seemed aligned earlier on can diverge with time. One spouse may feel they are growing apart from their partner or that they want different things in life. Differing life goals – like where to live, having children, or career aspirations – can strain marriages.
Infidelity
Sadly, infidelity is also a leading cause of divorce among long-term couples. The longer spouses are together, the more likely one may be unfaithful. An affair can destroy the trust and intimacy holding a marriage together. For some couples, infidelity precipitates the end, while for others an affair is a symptom of problems that already existed.
Empty nest syndrome
Many couples stay together for the sake of raising children. When the kids leave home, some discover they have little binding them besides the kids. “Empty nest syndrome” refers to the loneliness and loss of purpose some feel when children depart. Without kids at home, underlying marital issues surface more clearly, prompting divorce.
Money problems
Financial strain and disagreements over money are prime drivers of divorce. Retirement and aging often create financial stressors. Differing ideas about finances, unexpected economic burdens, or inadequate savings can test even strong marriages. Money issues that have simmered for years may reach a boiling point.
Poor communication
Even happily married couples can fall into patterns of poor communication over time where they rarely confide, express appreciation, or address problems. When spouses stop sharing feelings and grow emotionally distant, relationships languish. Resentments build up. Some couples lose the ability to communicate effectively after years together.
Getting stuck in a rut
Marriages often suffer from a lack of effort and investment as the years go by. Couples get bogged down in routines, neglect romance, stop trying to impress each other, and take the relationship for granted. They lose their capacity for play, fun, and adventure. The resulting boredom and restlessness can be fatal for marriages.
Retirement struggles
Many couples struggle with the transition into retirement. Suddenly being home together 24/7, losing a sense of purpose from work, and having unstructured free time can damage marriages unprepared for this seismic change. Retirement often means less income, which also strains relations. The shift in routines and roles can open rifts between spouses.
Divorce stigma fading
Compared to previous generations, the stigma around divorce has faded. Splitting up is seen as more acceptable than remaining unhappily wed. With societal pressure to stay married reduced, those in troubled long-term marriages may opt for divorce over trying to fix things. Many see divorce as the only path to happiness.
Impact of declining health
Health problems that arise as couples age – from physical decline to cognitive issues like dementia – further tax marriages. Caring for an ailing partner full-time strains even loving relationships. Chronic illness can rob spouses of intimacy and strains resources. Poor health may limit life experiences partners wish to share.
Seeking happiness
Long-married individuals who’ve “grown apart” or fallen out of love often leave because they crave happiness that’s absent in the marriage. They may believe starting fresh with someone new or being single seems more fulfilling than remaining with their spouse. The desire for contentment and engagement drives divorced late in life.
Increased life expectancy
Rising life expectancy means couples stay married longer. Whereas previous generations spent only a few years together post-retirement, healthy older adults today can anticipate decades together after retirement. The longer the marriage, the more likely couples will grow apart and divorce.
View marriage as temporary
Contemporary couples are less likely than previous generations to view marriage as a permanent commitment. Many approach it conditionally, assuming divorce is likely. This makes splitting up more probable. Partners may be quicker to split when marriages hit a rough patch rather than working through challenges.
More social acceptance
Seniors divorcing face far less social stigma or judgment today. The rise of “gray divorce” shows it’s viewed as understandable to seek divorce later in life amid factors like changing goals or desire for happiness. There’s more empathy for splits after long marriages. Seniors divorce with more social support.
Seeking independence
After decades as a spouse and parent, some embrace divorce as an opportunity to focus on their own needs, personal goals, and independence for the first time in adulthood. Divorce provides a second chance to enjoy life as a single older adult. Some struggle in empty nest marriages and wish to reinvent themselves.
Conclusion
There are myriad complex reasons long-term marriages end, though some common themes emerge. Changing individual goals and values, breakdowns in intimacy and communication, major life transitions, and social acceptability all enable late-life divorce. But each couple’s circumstances are unique, and the choice to divorce is rarely made lightly after building a life together. With societal shifts empowering personal choice and fulfillment, more older adults are viewing divorce as an option if married life becomes unfulfilling.
