Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, is one of the most common mental health issues, affecting around 15 million American adults. The central feature of social anxiety disorder is an intense fear of being judged, evaluated, or scrutinized by others in social situations. This leads to avoidance of social events and interactions where embarrassment or humiliation could occur.
People with social anxiety often have an intense desire to please others and gain their approval. They may go to great lengths to avoid offending people or doing anything that could be perceived as socially unacceptable. This people-pleasing behavior is thought to stem from the individual’s fears of negative evaluation from others.
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing refers to the tendency to continually say ‘yes’ to requests and to prioritize the needs of others over one’s own needs and desires. People-pleasers have an excessive need for approval and validation from others. They seek to avoid conflict and are willing to go along with things even if it goes against their own wishes.
Some key signs of people-pleasing behavior include:
- Having difficulty saying ‘no’ to requests
- Feeling pressured to meet everyone else’s expectations
- Suppressing one’s own needs or emotions to appease others
- Excessive apologizing and being overly accommodating
- Seeking to avoid conflict, disagreement, or disappointing others at all costs
People-pleasing often stems from low self-esteem, lack of assertiveness, and fear of rejection. Pleasing others becomes a way earn validation and acceptance.
Is people-pleasing part of social anxiety?
Many mental health experts posit that people-pleasing tendencies are intimately connected to social anxiety disorder. Individuals with social anxiety have an intense fear of negative judgment and rejection from others. They are hypersensitive to criticism and disapproval.
People-pleasing behaviors provide a coping mechanism to help ease their anxiety in social situations. By being agreeable, excessively nice, and prioritizing others’ needs, they hope to minimize the risk of eliciting criticism or rejection.
Some key ways people-pleasing manifests in those with social anxiety include:
- Agreeing with everything others say to avoid disagreement
- Laughing at jokes even if they don’t find them funny
- Going along with the group even if it goes against their own values
- Giving insincere compliments to gain approval
- Never showing anger or irritation toward others
- Letting themselves be taken advantage of rather than say no
These behaviors are reinforced by the relief from anxiety that people-pleasers feel when they avoid rejection or criticism through being nice, compliant and unassertive. It becomes an ingrained coping mechanism.
The link between people-pleasing and social anxiety
Several key factors demonstrate the close link between people-pleasing tendencies and social anxiety disorder:
Fear of negative evaluation
The core fear in social anxiety is being judged unfavorably or rejected by others. People-pleasers placate others as a way to mitigate this risk of criticism. By complimenting others, agreeing with their opinions, and meeting their needs, they hope to minimize negative appraisals.
Submissiveness
Those with social anxiety display overly submissive behavior due to their fear of disapproval. They struggle to assert their own opinions and boundaries. Similarly, people-pleasers find it very hard to say no or stand up for their own needs.
Distorted thoughts
Individuals with social anxiety engage in distorted thinking, such as exaggerating the probability and consequences of rejection. People-pleasers share similar exaggerated, irrational worries about displeasing others.
Self-consciousness
Preoccupation with oneself and sensitivity to criticism are hallmarks of social anxiety. People-pleasers are also excessively self-conscious and hypervigilant about doing something wrong that could provoke disapproval.
Childhood roots
Both social anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies often originate in childhood experiences, such as growing up in a household where love and approval were conditional. Vulnerable children learn to prioritize others’ needs.
Low self-esteem
People with social anxiety typically suffer from poor self-esteem and place too much value on others’ opinions. Likewise, people-pleasers rely heavily on external validation from others to feel worthwhile.
Are social anxiety and people-pleasing the same thing?
While people-pleasing and social anxiety disorder have considerable overlap, they are not one and the same. Some key differences:
- People can be people-pleasers without having social anxiety. Conversely, someone can have social anxiety without exhibiting pronounced people-pleasing tendencies.
- Social anxiety stems from a fear of negative judgment from others. People-pleasing is focused on gaining others’ positive regard.
- Social anxiety arises from distorted thoughts and unhelpful brain wiring. People-pleasing can arise from learned behavioral patterns and conditioning.
- Medication and therapy for social anxiety focus on fear reduction. Changing people-pleasing habits involves assertiveness training and self-esteem work.
So while social anxiety and people-pleasing behavior are closely related, they have distinct roots and require tailored treatment approaches. But it is very common for both issues to exist in the same individual.
Treating social anxiety and people-pleasing together
Given the strong association between social anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies, experts recommend addressing both issues concurrently in treatment. A two-pronged approach includes:
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) for social anxiety
CBT helps patients recognize irrational, exaggerated fears of being judged. It teaches coping skills to reduce anxiety and face feared social situations.
Assertiveness training for people-pleasing
This trains individuals to set healthy boundaries, express their needs, and say no without extreme distress. It builds self-esteem and reduces reliance on others’ validation.
With this dual approach, social anxiety is treated with proven techniques like exposure therapy. At the same time, assertiveness training gives people-pleasers needed skills to engage in less submissive behaviors.
Research shows this integrated approach is more effective than treating either issue in isolation.
Tips for overcoming people-pleasing and social anxiety
Here are some helpful tips to break free of anxious people-pleasing:
- Start small – Tackle low-stakes situations first to build confidence. Say no to a very minor request from a friend or mildly disagree with a coworker on a trivial topic.
- Set boundaries – Don’t commit to anything on the spot. Ask for time to check your schedule. Learn to say “Let me think about it and get back to you.”
- Listen to yourself – Notice when you feel resentful or taken advantage of. Your feelings provide important clues where people-pleasing behavior needs to change.
- Strengthen relationships – Invest in family and friends who make you feel accepted as you are. Focus less on winning over people who don’t appreciate you.
- Practice self-validation – Rather than looking to others for approval, work on validating yourself. Be your own cheerleader.
- Get support – Join a support group. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist. You don’t need to change entrenched habits alone.
Conclusion
In summary, people-pleasing tendencies are very closely tied to social anxiety disorder. Both issues arise from distorted thoughts about gaining validation from others’ approval and avoiding criticism. Addressing fearful people-pleasing behaviors alongside the core anxiety can help sufferers achieve a healthier sense of self and more balanced relationships. With self-compassion, assertiveness skills, and therapeutic support, socially anxious people-pleasers can step into greater confidence and self-acceptance.
