Why do I get hurt over little things?

It’s normal to feel hurt or offended by the words and actions of others from time to time. However, some people tend to get very easily hurt by relatively minor things. They take offense or feel deeply wounded even when no harm was intended. This kind of oversensitivity can cause problems in relationships and impact a person’s self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. In this comprehensive article, we will explore the psychological reasons why some people are so sensitive, provide tips on how to overcome this trait, and discuss when sensitivity crosses into unhealthy territory.

Why Are Some People So Sensitive?

There are a few key reasons why certain individuals seem to get hurt so easily:

They Have an Innate Sensitive Temperament

Some people are simply wired to be more thin-skinned. According to Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell Ph.D., author of Tomorrow’s Change Makers: Reclaiming the Power of Citizenship for a New Generation, about 20 percent of people are born with a highly sensitive temperament. This means they tend to process information and stimuli deeply, feel emotions strongly, and notice subtleties that others miss. While this sensitivity can be a strength in many ways, it also makes them more prone to getting their feelings hurt.

They Experienced Trauma or Neglect in Childhood

Children who experienced painful events like abuse, bullying, family dysfunction, or emotional neglect are more likely to develop sensitivity around being rejected, abandoned, or invalidated. Neural pathways formed in childhood shape our kneejerk emotional reactions. For sensitive individuals, the brain may have wired itself to perceive slights and respond with hurt even when no harm was intended.

They Have Low Self-Esteem

People with chronic low self-esteem tend to read exaggerated negative meaning into other people’s words and actions towards them. For instance, they may take a minor criticism and think “she thinks I’m a complete failure.” Or they may interpret a friend choosing to spend time with someone else as meaning “she doesn’t like me anymore.” Their internal critic blows things out of proportion.

They Feel Like an Outsider

Those who grew up feeling excluded from peers or society tend to have raw sensitivities around acceptance and belonging. They are prone to getting hurt by subtle cues of rejection or dismissal from groups and friendships. It reminds them of painful memories of being an outsider.

Examples of Things That Hurt Sensitive People

To help provide a better understanding of this experience, here are some examples of situations that are likely to hurt a highly sensitive person’s feelings:

Being Teased in a Way That Feels Hostile

While sensitive people often have a great sense of humor about themselves, teasing that feels aggressive or mocking can cut very deep. The same goes for sarcastic jokes that strike their insecurities.

Feeling Left Out of Group Plannings

Getting unintentionally excluded from social events, group texts, parties, etc. tends to make sensitive people feel rejected even if the oversight wasn’t deliberate.

Being Interrupted Frequently in Conversation

When others frequently interrupt sensitive people in the middle of sharing their perspective, it can make them feel invisible, uninteresting, or unvalued.

Having Their Feelings or Needs Dismissed

Comments that make light of their emotions, like “You’re overreacting,” feel invalidating. So do responses framing their needs as excessive or frivolous. They want understanding.

Sensing Someone Is Annoyed With Them

Picking up on subtle signs of irritation or impatience (a curt tone, tight body language, short responses) easily makes sensitive folks feel they did something wrong or bothersome.

Harsh Feedback on Performance or Appearance

Blunt criticism about their work, skills, or physical appearance – even when meant to be constructive – tends to be taken as hurtful judgement. Gentler feedback works better.

As you can see, it’s less about the situation itself than how the sensitive person perceives and emotionally responds to it. The same scenario that rolls off one person can cut another to the core.

Why Being Highly Sensitive Is a Mixed Blessing

Before discussing how to manage sensitivity, it’s important to note that this temperament also comes with many strengths. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, sensitivity is an innate trait, not an abnormality or flaw. Here are some of the gifts that tend to accompany sensitivity:

Creativity and Artistic Flair

The ability to notice subtlety and intricacy, receive information in vivid detail, and deeply feel emotion fuels creativity. Many artists, writers and innovators score high in sensitivity.

Conscientiousness

Sensitive people tend to be very careful, responsible and hardworking. They are deeply bothered by mistakes and aim for high standards.

Thoughtfulness

They tend to be empathetic, compassionate listeners who think about how their actions impact others. They avoid careless behavior.

Perspicacity

Their observational skills and ability to stay tuned into nuance helps them read people and situations with great accuracy.

The goal isn’t to eliminate sensitivity altogether but learn to manage it so it amplifies strengths rather than fuels self-doubt.

How to Feel Less Hurt by Things as a Highly Sensitive Person

If you identify as a highly sensitive person, here are some strategies to help you feel less wounded by life’s minor hurts and criticisms:

1. Separate Thoughts From Feelings

Intense emotions tend to distort our perceptions. When you feel hurt, spend some time just describing the facts of the situation to yourself, e.g. “Sally didn’t invite me to her wedding shower. It doesn’t mean she dislikes me.”

2. Ask If This Will Matter in a Week

Look at the big picture. Remind yourself that most slights or oversights are quickly forgotten. Give it a week and see if it still feels important.

3. Consider Intent

Unless proven otherwise, assume positive intent. People are often clumsy in how they treat others. But most mean no real harm.

4. Avoid Overpersonalization

Other people’s moods and actions often have more to do with their internal world than you. Don’t take everything as a reflection of how you are seen.

5. Express Your Needs

Communicate your sensitivities and make requests, e.g. “I tend to take criticism pretty hard, so please be gentle with feedback.” Most will happily oblige.

6. Manage Your Emotions

De-escalate emotional hijacks through deep breathing, calming walks, painting or journaling. Don’t act while flooded.

7. Rewrite Internal Narratives

Replace self-attacks like “I’m so pathetic!” with encouraging affirmations, e.g. “This hurt, but I’m strong enough to get through it.”

8. Cultivate Self-Compassion

Treat yourself like you would a dear friend feeling bad. Respond with understanding and care rather than criticism.

9. Enforce Boundaries

You don’t have to accept mean or abusive treatment. Walk away and limit contact with toxic people. Protect your peace.

10. Get Support

Share your feelings with trusted confidants. Respectful loved ones can help soothe your pain and bring rational perspective.

While implementing these tips, be patient with yourself. Rewiring emotional reactions takes time. Oversensitivity developed over years won’t disappear overnight. With practice, you’ll be able to better catch yourself when hurt starts to set in and prevent it from spiraling.

When Sensitivity Crosses Into Unhealthy Territory

Most highly sensitive people are able to live happy, fulfilled lives. However, in some cases emotional sensitivity crosses the line into psychological issues that require professional support. Seek help from a mental health professional if sensitivity leads to:

Chronic Passivity and People-Pleasing

You let people walk all over you and struggle to set boundaries to avoid any interpersonal upset.

Extreme Social Anxiety

You avoid social situations, isolate yourself, or experience intense physical symptoms (nausea, trembling, sweating) around others due to deep fear of criticism or judgement.

Cognitive Distortions

You regularly catastrophize, engage in extreme black-and-white thinking, or jump to conclusions not based on evidence.

Trouble Functioning

Your hurt feelings result in an inability to concentrate at school/work, attend social activities, maintain basic self-care, or leave the house.

Ongoing Victim Mentality

You view yourself as the constant victim of others’ cruelty, and are unable to take ownership for your role in problems.

Clinical Depression or Anxiety

You experience intense self-loathing, hopelessness, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, or other symptoms of mood disorders.

Targeted counseling techniques like cognitive-behavioral therapy can help sensitive people suffering from the above issues learn healthier thought and behavior patterns around interpersonal stressors. Medication may be warranted in some cases.

The Takeaway

Emotional sensitivity is an innate personality trait with both pros and cons. For sensitive folks, the smallest slight can feel like a devastating rejection. But there are many psychological techniques to help regulate those intense feelings and prevent getting unnecessarily hurt. With self-awareness and practice, sensitivity can be successfully managed so it enhances rather than hinders your happiness and relationships. The rewards are well worth the effort.

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