Society often discourages boys and men from expressing sadness and shedding tears. The common phrase “boys don’t cry” conveys the message that boys and men should refrain from crying and remain stoic in the face of difficult emotions. This phenomenon is the result of long-standing gender stereotypes as well as social and cultural norms surrounding masculinity.
Do Boys Physically Cry Less Than Girls?
Research suggests there are some physical differences between male and female tear glands and emotional crying behavior, although scientists debate the extent to which these differences are influenced by biology versus environment.
Some key points:
- Women’s tear glands are physically larger and more active than men’s.
- Female infants tend to cry more than male infants.
- However, social conditioning likely exacerbates these differences as children grow up.
- Adult men cry 1-4 times per month on average, while adult women cry 5-64 times per month.
So while physiology may predispose women to cry more frequently, social factors also play a major role in suppression of male crying after infancy.
Gender Stereotypes Around Emotional Expression
Gender stereotypes reinforce the notion that boys and men should restrict emotional expression while girls and women are free to be emotionally expressive.
Some key points:
- Women are expected to be more emotional, while men are expected to remain rational and stoic.
- “Big boys don’t cry” teaches boys to hold back emotional vulnerability from a young age.
- Men who express emotions may be judged as “feminine” or “weak.”
- In contrast, society accepts and encourages women to cry freely.
These stereotypes pressure boys and men to suppress emotional responses like crying, starting from childhood.
Masculine Norms and Alexithymia
Masculine norms and ideals emphasize that men should be tough, dominant, and self-reliant. Expressing vulnerable emotions like sadness clashes with traditional masculinity.
Some key points:
- Norms of masculinity include strength, toughness, and emotional control.
- Crying demonstrates vulnerability, the opposite of manliness.
- Many men struggle with “alexithymia” – difficulty identifying and describing feelings.
- Suppressing emotions may be a masculine norm, but lacks health benefits.
Male socialization to conform to masculine ideals often involves restricting emotional expression. Alexithymia further complicates men’s ability to connect with and articulate feelings.
associations Between Crying and Weakness
Crying is inaccurately associated with weakness, cowardice, and lack of control. This perception further discourages boys from shedding tears.
Some key points:
- Crying is often misperceived as a loss of self-control.
- In reality, crying can reflect emotional strength and authenticity.
- However, boys learn that tears invite shame, bullying, and questioning of masculinity.
- Suppressing tears is often believed to demonstrate “toughness.”
Despite the emotional health benefits of crying, cultural biases continue to link tears with weakness. Boys learn to equate crying with shame and ridicule.
Social Stigma Against Male Crying
Strong social stigma persists around male crying in many cultures. Boys and men who cry often face negative consequences.
Some key points:
- Male crying is associated with stigma, discomfort, and loss of social status.
- Men who cry may be seen as awkward, unmanly, and emotionally defective.
- As a result, men cry less frequently in front of others.
- Even in private, men often feel guilty or ashamed after crying.
The social stigma against male crying encourages men to cry alone or to suppress vulnerable emotions entirely.
Lack of Male Role Models
Boys lack role models demonstrating that crying can be acceptable and healthy for men. This further propagates the notion that “boys don’t cry.”
Some key points:
- Male family members, friends, and public figures rarely model crying.
- Seeing other men cry normalizes tears as natural for everyone.
- But men almost exclusively cry privately, if they cry at all.
- Boys conclude that crying is strictly unacceptable for males.
When male crying is constantly hidden, boys are socialized to see tears as incompatible with masculinity.
Repression of Male Emotional Needs
“Boys don’t cry” teaches males to ignore their emotional needs from childhood.
Some key points:
- Suppressing emotions is unhealthy, linked to stress disorders.
- Crying releases toxins and eases physical tension.
- Men have shorter life expectancies, partially due to repressed stress.
- Redefining masculinity to accept vulnerability could help men.
The repression of male crying and emotional needs has detrimental effects on men’s health and longevity.
How Can We Support Male Emotional Expression?
Though cultural biases will take time to change, certain steps can help foster emotional health for boys and men:
- Provide boys space for emotional expression without judgment.
- Encourage male family members to express emotions openly.
- Normalize male crying through media representation.
- Discuss the impacts of masculinity norms on suppression of male vulnerability.
- Refrain from statements like “man up” that inhibit emotional processing.
- Consider men’s mental health services and male-centered spaces.
With care and understanding, society can move towards acceptance of male emotional expression in healthy ways.
The Bottom Line
The notion that “boys don’t cry” stems from rigid societal gender norms, stereotypes about male toughness, and stigma against male vulnerability. But crying is a natural emotional expression that everyone needs to maintain health. Creating a culture that accepts male crying and emotional authenticity requires re-examining masculinity ideals, modeling vulnerable expression, and implementing other supportive practices.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do boys cry less than girls?
There is some evidence that female infants naturally cry more than male infants, possibly due to differences in tear gland and hormone activity. However, strong social conditioning dramatically exacerbates differences in crying between boys and girls as they grow up. By adulthood, women are found to cry significantly more frequently and openly than men.
Is it bad for boys not to cry?
Yes, suppressing the urge to cry can be harmful for boys’ emotional health and development. Crying is a natural emotional release valve. Holding in feelings and vulnerability can increase risks of anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, substance abuse, and other stress-related disorders. It’s important for boys to have spaces to openly release emotions through crying or other forms of expression.
Is crying a sign of weakness for guys?
No, despite social stigma that paints male crying as weak, crying actually demonstrates strength, self-awareness, and confidence in one’s emotions. The willingness to confront sadness and vulnerability requires courage and security in one’s identity as a man. However, unhealthy norms of masculinity have wrongly taught many boys that tears connote shameful weakness.
Should boys be allowed to cry?
Absolutely. There is no developmental reason to discourage boys from crying. Tears are a healthy emotional release at any age, with chemical benefits that ease stress. Boys should be taught it is normal to cry sometimes, and be given spaces to express sadness or frustration through tears without shame or judgment. Progressive shifts in perspectives on masculinity must work to accept crying as compatible with boyhood.
How can we teach boys it’s OK to cry?
It starts with modeling – male family members and friends expressing emotions openly and vulnerablely show boys that tears are natural for everyone. Media representation also helps normalize male crying. Boys should be comforted when they cry, not told to “toughen up.” Discussions about unfair expectations placed on boys to be stoic can foster self-awareness. Most importantly, boys need freedom to release emotions through crying without being shamed as “weak” or “girl-like.”