Trust issues can be difficult to overcome. They may stem from past experiences of betrayal, abuse, or trauma. Many people struggle with being unable to open up or rely on others. While it’s understandable to have reservations about trust after being hurt, remaining closed off can negatively impact relationships and overall wellbeing. Healing is possible, but it takes time, self-reflection, and a willingness to gradually challenge comfort zones.
What causes trust issues?
There are a few common causes of trust issues:
Past betrayals
Being lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of, or otherwise betrayed can damage one’s ability to trust. If someone you cared about broke promises or violated your trust in a significant way, it’s natural to feel hesitant about being vulnerable again. Major betrayals by friends, family, or romantic partners often have the biggest impact.
Abusive relationships
Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse from intimates makes it difficult to trust others with your safety and heart. Abusers break trust bonds through violence, manipulation, possessiveness, or neglect. Experiencing repeated cycles of abuse can destroy your faith in relying on a partner.
Early childhood trauma
Traumatic events or unstable home environments during childhood hinder secure attachment. Without safe nurturing as a child, you may struggle to trust caretakers. In adulthood, it becomes challenging extending trust because your brain didn’t wire properly for secure bonds.
Attachment style
Your natural attachment style also influences trust ability. People with insecure attachment tend to trust less and fear abandonment. Anxious types are often clingy. Avoidants are uncomfortable being too close or dependent. Your attachment style stems from childhood but can evolve based on relationship experiences.
Signs you have trust issues
How can you identify trust problems? Here are some common signs:
Hypervigilance about lies
You scrutinize everything someone says searching for lies, contradictions, or evidence they’re untrustworthy. It’s hard to take others at their word.
Suspicion about motives
You constantly question people’s motives, assuming they have malicious or selfish intent. Friendly gestures seem suspect.
Catastrophizing
When small issues arise, you immediately imagine worst-case scenarios like being betrayed, abandoned, or rejected.
Controlling behaviors
You try to control people and situations to protect yourself. This often involves jealousy, clinginess, secrecy, or setting strict rules about the relationship.
Isolation
Rather than risk getting hurt, you avoid emotional intimacy by isolation yourself. You have few if any close friends or relationships.
Defensiveness
You resist meaningful connections by being defensive. You readily perceive criticism where none exists.
Cynicism
You assume most people are dishonest and out for themselves. Relationships seem futile because everyone betrays eventually.
Overcoming trust issues
Learning to trust again requires retraining your brain and challenging ingrained thought patterns stemming from past pain. With commitment, you can overcome trust issues using these approaches:
Get support
A therapist can help you work through traumatic experiences, identify unhelpful beliefs, and adopt healthier relationship habits. Having an objective person guide your progress makes change easier.
Learn warning signs
Educate yourself on red flags for dishonest, abusive or unreliable people. This lowers your chances of betrayal moving forward. Avoid high-risk situations.
Examine thought patterns
Notice negative automatic thoughts about people being untrustworthy. Challenge distorted thinking by considering more benign explanations of others’ behaviors.
Take incremental risks
Start small by opening up about low-stakes topics. Gradually build tolerance for vulnerability. Let people earn your trust over time through consistency.
Manage anxiety
Anxiety often manifests physically around trust issues. Relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation, and exercise can calm your body’s stress response.
Set boundaries
Boundaries create a sense of psychological safety in relationships. Being clear about your needs and limits reduces anxiety about being hurt or manipulated.
Communicate constructively
Talk about relationship expectations, apologies, compromises and reassurances can resolve trust issues. Avoid accusations. Focus on solutions.
Consider context
Evaluate how reasonable your mistrust is considering the context. Frequent betrayal warrants caution. But in healthy relationships, give people the benefit of the doubt.
Get therapy for trauma
Unresolved trauma often underlies chronic trust problems. Trauma-focused counseling and EMDR therapy can help reprocess painful memories so they’re less damaging.
Practice self-care
Reduce stress through relaxation, fun hobbies, adequate rest, healthy eating and exercise. When you’re calm and grounded, it’s easier to trust wisely.
Develop emotional awareness
Work on identifying, accepting and communicating your feelings. Being in touch with your emotions allows you to express needs so they can be met.
How long does it take to rebuild trust?
This depends on the context, but typically rebuilding broken trust is a gradual process taking weeks or months. Consistently demonstrating trustworthy actions allows another chance. But the more significant the original violation, the longer it takes repairing the rift. With commitment from both people, reconciliation is possible. But if deception continues, trust can’t be restored.
Some timeframes for typical situations:
After a small argument – Days to weeks
With minor infractions, apologies and changed behaviors can quickly mend trust. For example, being late for dinner without calling.
After a major argument – Weeks to months
Bigger conflicts like screaming matches require effort to rebuild trust. Both people must actively listen, validate feelings, compromise, and prevent similar disputes.
After a small lie – Weeks to months
Small dishonesty like a little white lie damages trust, but truthfulness can restore confidence. Admitting fault is key.
After a large lie – Months to years
Major deception like hiding debt or cheating can deeply rupture trust. But if the liar takes full responsibility and makes long-term behavioral changes, trust may gradually return.
After betrayal – Months to years
Significant betrayals – like having an affair or stealing money – can destroy trust. The betrayer must rebuild trust slowly through transparency and proving changed character over time. Even then, wounds may linger.
After abuse – Years
Restoring trust after physical or emotional abuse requires abuse to end completely. Years may pass before the victim feels safe confiding in or relying on the abuser again. Some wounds don’t fully heal.
After childhood trauma – Years
Early trust disruption often requires therapy to reverse. But caring relationships with consistent emotionally attuned people can help upgrade attachment habits. Healing past childhood wounds around trust is possible.
Can a relationship survive without trust?
Relationships struggle without mutual trust because it underpins intimacy and security. Some characteristics of untrusting relationships include:
Poor communication
Without trust, sharing thoughts and emotions seems risky. Communication suffers. Issues go unresolved.
Constant suspicion
Partners act hypervigilant about lies, creating an exhausting environment of perpetual suspicion.
Emotional distance
People hold back to protect themselves, creating distance. Vulnerability and closeness fade.
Controlling behaviors
People try to force trust through manipulation or micromanaging their partner. This destroys freedom.
Lack of loyalty
When trust is gone, commitment and loyalty often disappear too. Betrayal seems inevitable so why stay loyal?
Volatility
Small issues trigger major overreactions because of distrust. Tension and conflict prevail.
Difficulty resolving conflicts
Without assuming good intentions, it’s impossible to resolve conflicts constructively. Resentment builds.
Eroding intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy requires openness and affection that distrust eliminates. Bonding fades.
While mild or temporary trust issues are survivable, relationships rarely thrive long-term without mutual trust providing an intimate secure attachment. Ongoing pervasive distrust often ends relationships eventually. But rebuilding trust can revive a relationship if both people are willing to work at it.
Conclusion
Trust allows for vulnerability and reliance on others for support – things essential for meaningful relationships and even health and happiness. Due to past betrayals, abuse, trauma or attachment style, trust doesn’t come easily for some people. But with commitment to self-reflection, boundary-setting, and open communication, even significant trust issues can improve over time. The process requires challenging ingrained beliefs that others will hurt or abandon you. With small brave steps and consistency, trust can be rebuilt. Focus on each person proving themselves trustworthy through their current actions. The past does not have to define the future.