Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulty regulating emotions, impulsive and reckless behavior, unstable relationships, and a distorted sense of self. People with BPD often feel misunderstood and struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships. Research suggests certain interpersonal patterns tend to emerge in their relationships, as they may be subconsciously drawn towards or attract certain personality types. This article will provide a broad overview of the interpersonal attractions and relationships associated with BPD.
The “White Knight”
One common relationship dynamic seen in BPD is attraction to the “White Knight” or “Savior” archetype. This refers to someone who desperately wants to rescue or take care of the person with BPD. White Knights are attracted to the intense passion and drama characteristic of BPD relationships. However, this initial excitement frequently gives way to frustration, as the person with BPD becomes unhappy and the White Knight cannot “rescue” them. White Knights often have underlying codependency issues or savior complexes. They seek the feeling of being needed or being in a position of control.
People with BPD may be drawn to White Knights because it fits with an internal narrative of being “damaged” and needing rescue. White Knights provide a sense of validation. But the relationship ultimately remains unstable, as the underlying emptiness is not addressed. The White Knight’s compulsion to fix and the BPD individual’s bottomless sense of inner turmoil create a vicious cycle. This helps explain why many BPD relationships fractured upon the initial excitement fading.
The “Parental” Partner
Some people with BPD report repeating childhood wounds in their relationships by seeking out parental figures. These partners naturally fall into a role of nurturing caretaker, similar to the dynamic between a parent and child. This appears to reflect an unconscious attempt to repair the original family wounds, where connection with a primary caregiver was disrupted or neglected.
The “parental” partner provides affection, concern, and support – all elements often absent or inconsistent in childhood. But they also play into roles of scolding, criticizing or controlling. The BPD individual relives feelings of being chastised and never good enough. This ultimately keeps the cycle of inner emptiness and poor self-image alive. The relationship with the parental figure remains conditional upon being “good”, as in childhood. True intimacy and adult mutuality fail to develop.
The “Exciting” and Unavailable Partner
People with BPD also report chronic patterns of pursuing romantic interests who are exciting but ultimately emotionally unavailable. These partners are often charismatic, dynamic, confident, and independent. They represent the type of captivating figure a younger child may idolize and wish to attach to. However, these idolized figures are generally inconsistent, unreliable, or rejecting of true intimacy. They maintain distance and control in the relationship.
This again ties into the type of early childhood wounding and disrupted attachment associated with BPD. There may be an attempt to win the affection of an idealized but unavailable figure – similar to efforts to gain the unconditional love of an inconsistent primary caregiver. But the hoped-for intimacy never fully materializes, leading to ongoing feelings of internal emptiness.
The “Toxic” Partner
Many people with BPD become entangled in highly dysfunctional and even abusive relationships. Research shows rates of domestic violence are extremely high among couples where one partner has BPD. These damaging relationships reflect an unconscious pull towards familiar patterns from childhood, where mistreatment became associated with love.
Abusive or manipulative partners follow scripts similar to invalidating, authoritarian or violent parents. There may even be an element of comfort in the familiarity of maltreatment, although it is ultimately harmful. Returning to toxicity in relationships can also stem from core beliefs of deserving punishment or not meriting real love. People with BPD tend to recreate abusive interpersonal cycles, until these core wounds are addressed through therapy.
Shared Emotional Struggles
People with BPD also commonly end up in relationships with partners who have their own mental health challenges, such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse issues, or PTSD. This relates to the whole concept of “shared wounding” – an innate human drive to seek out others who have endured similar pain. Finding a partner who also struggles provides validation and a sense of mutual understanding.
However, relationships between two emotionally unstable individuals often spiral out of control. There is no stable, healthy partner to anchor the dynamic. The relationship essentially becomes an endless hall of mirrors reflecting each person’s emotional chaos. For this reason, mental health professionals usually encourage working on individual stability before pursuing romance with others who have mental illness.
The Power of Transference
It is also important to understand the role of “transference” in BPD relationship choices. Transference refers to unconsciously redirecting feelings and expectations from an important figure in early life onto a current relationship. For example, seeking an emotionally unavailable partner may represent transference of craving affection from an aloof father. Current relationships essentially morph into stand-ins or replicas of formative relationships from the past.
Powerful transference helps explain the repetitive relationship templates people with BPD struggle to break free from. Resolving this transference through counseling is key. BPD involves a type of broken record where past wounds keep playing out in every relationship until the needle is lifted and internal work is done. Understanding transference provides a map to unlocking greater self-awareness and breaking destructive cycles.
Desire for Intensity
In a related vein, some research points to intense idealization early in a relationship as a specific marker of BPD. Individuals with BPD often describe love interests in extreme, idolizing ways. Partners are placed on wild pedestals far beyond realistic human capacity. This links to black-and-white or “split” thinking patterns in BPD.
Craving intensity also relates to fears of abandonment and loss. Marked idealization helps combat threatening feelings of imperfection or disconnection within the self. However, no partner can live up to such towering expectations. Relationships formed on this shaky foundation invariably come crashing down. Learning to accept nuance and express affection in sustainable ways represents an important BPD treatment goal.
Attachment Style
BPD is essentially characterized by an anxious/preoccupied attachment style formed in early childhood. Attachment theory holds that bonds with primary caregivers shape a child’s expectations in future relationships and sense of self. Those with anxious attachment (common in BPD) compulsively seek closeness but also harbor deep-seated fears of rejection or abandonment. They exhibit neediness, jealousy, and emotional volatility in relationships.
This contrasts with secure attachment stemming from attentive, consistent parenting. Individuals who form close bonds successfully in adulthood usually possessed secure attachment models as children. Understanding BPD through the lens of attachment explains much of the pathology in relationships. It also points to corrective emotional experiences via therapy as a means to cultivate earned security. Resolving insecure attachment is key to healthier relationships.
Projection of Inner Conflicts
People with BPD also tend to “project” their inner conflicts onto partners. This means internally intolerable qualities get attributed externally to others. Common BPD projections include seeing others as controlling, abandoning, smothering, criticizing, or unstable. In essence, external relationships become painted with the brush of interior pain.
Projection arises as a psychological defense to avoid acknowledging one’s own flaws or destructive emotions. But it severely distorts interpersonal perceptions and invariably damages closeness. Recognizing projection and differentiating internal versus external contributes much to improving BPD relationships. Taking ownership of inner wounds when unfairly directed outward can limit projection’s corrosive impact.
Idealization and Devaluation
The tug-of-war between idealization and devaluation makes stable intimacy difficult for those with BPD. Partners are initially placed on pedestals and seen as flawless saviors (idealization). But inevitable missteps soon lead to their being perceived as cruel persecutors (devaluation). These extreme, mutual exclusive appraisals impair realistic relating.
Object constancy, or consistent positive regard for others separate from temporary frustrations, is key to healthy relating. Splitting represents a failure of object constancy in BPD. Appreciating loved ones’ inevitable faults without turning them into exaggerated crimes can stabilize the rhythms of intimacy. With self-knowledge, the extremes of idealization and demonization gradually give way to balanced connection.
Fears of Engulfment
A well-documented feature of BPD is a terror of losing one’s individuality or being metaphorically “engulfed” by others. This traces back to fears childhood needs would completely overwhelm parents. Loved ones come to represent a frightening loss of identity. This generates desperation for separateness even from desired partners.
The solution lies in cultivating a coherent sense of self which can maintain appropriate boundaries while also accepting interdependence. With therapy, people with BPD increasingly trust they can tolerate intimacy’s closeness without dissolving. They discover caring for others helps rather than hinders self-definition. Engulfment fears are gradually replaced by secure attachment. Authentic closeness requires a stable self-structure and emotional regulation skills.
Self-Destructiveness
Unfortunately, the unstable sense of identity, emptiness, and fears of engulfment associated with BPD often lead to self-destructive behaviors which sabotage relationships. These can include lashing out in intense anger, emotional cutting-off, impulsive infidelity, substance abuse, self-harm gestures, and continual threats to leave. Loved ones often grow exhausted by the push-pull dynamics.
However, with proper treatment, those with BPD become more aware of what drives these destructive actions and develop skills to tolerate emotions better. They learn to ask for support directly rather than act out or push away. A more coherent identity and ability to self-validate reduces self-destructiveness. Relationships stabilize when coping improves and replaced self-harming actions aimed at easing inner pain.
Core Shame
At an even deeper level, chronic shame lies at the root of the BPD condition. Shame creates an excruciatingly painful sense of self-contempt, unlovability, and deficiency. Familiarity with shame makes others’ perceived rejection or judgment feel especially intolerable. Defensive rage, attack on the self or others, and forms of hiding all provide means of avoiding shame’s agony.
Healing shame through compassion-focused therapy can greatly improve BPD relationships. By decreasing shame’s intensity and building self-worth, the triggers for many detrimental interpersonal behaviors are disarmed. With self-acceptance, standing in loving connection feels less dangerous. Core shame, once dissolved, makes healthy relating far more possible. Vulnerability replaces attack when shame’s power fades.
Emotional Dysregulation
People with BPD also exhibit chronic difficulties regulating their emotions. Intense, rapidly shifting moods create instability. Loved ones struggle to reliably connect when the emotional terrain keeps dramatically shifting without warning. Learning skills to better tolerate distress, self-soothe, and coherently communicate needs allows for more sustainable intimacy.
When emotions feel less threatening, they no longer need to be expelled onto relationships through conflict or clung to so desperately. Emotional regulation provides an internal anchor and security. Ridding emotional cycles of extremes through mindfulness, distress tolerance, and interpersonal skills fosters far more stable and mutually fulfilling bonds. Inner and relational peace become one.
Summary
In summary, people with BPD often feel pulled towards relationships representing unconscious attempts to resolve childhood wounds and attachment disruptions. They frequently become stuck in relationship templates which recreate familiar but painful dynamics. Internal splitting, instability and shame fuel push-pull cycles of idealization and demonization. Fears of abandonment and loss mix with contradictory needs for independence.
However, through therapeutic understanding of past wounds, improving emotional regulation and self-concept, and forming coherent adult attachments, those with BPD can break unfavorable relationship patterns. They discover a capacity for mutual love, support, and intimacy previously obscured by their psychic pain. Compassion and courage to look within is key to cultivating the healthy bonds everyone inherently deserves.