Should I text him?
It’s totally normal to be fixated on someone you have feelings for or dated in the past. When you can’t stop thinking about him, it’s tempting to reach out via text, call, social media, or in person. However, texting him when you can’t stop thinking about him is often not the best idea. Here’s why:
- It can come across as desperate or needy if you text him constantly out of the blue.
- He may find it overwhelming if he’s trying to move on.
- You won’t get the response you want. Chances are if he’s moved on, reaching out will only lead to disappointment or rejection on your end.
- It gives him the upper hand. Texting him first puts him in control.
Instead, only text him if you have a legitimate, practical reason to get in touch. Keep it light and casual to start. Don’t barrage him with emotional messages about missing him or your feelings. Save that for an in-person conversation down the road.
Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About Him?
There are a few key reasons why you might be fixated on someone who’s no longer in your life:
You had a meaningful connection
If you dated for a long time, shared a lot emotionally, or had great physical and mental chemistry, it’s normal to miss that profound bond. Those attachments don’t just go away because the relationship ended. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of that connection.
Things ended abruptly
If the relationship ended suddenly, without closure, you’re bound to still have lingering feelings, questions, and the desire for resolution. Find a way to get that closure on your own, since he may not be open to reconnecting. Journal, vent to friends, or get professional help moving on.
You’re lonely
If he occupied a lot of your time and emotional energy, that void can feel jarring when he’s gone. Fill your schedule with new hobbies, friends, and pursuits so you don’t sit around dwelling on the past. Be patient – it takes time to rebuild a fulfilling, engaging life.
You fantasize about the potential
It’s easy to romanticize the relationship and imagine what could have been. But staying stuck in the world of fantasy will prevent you from living in reality. Focus on your goals, growth, and happiness now. The future is unwritten.
You’re afraid you’ll never find love again
After a breakup, especially later in life, it’s normal to worry you’ll end up alone. But there are always new people and opportunities out there! Build your confidence and put yourself out there when the grief subsides. You have so much love left to give.
You haven’t let go of resentment
Are you replaying fights? Feeling bitter about how it ended? Hanging onto anger will only breed obsession. Get to the root of your resentment and find ways to process it constructively – therapy can help. Forgiveness is for you, not them.
How to Stop Thinking About Him
Breaking the fixation is a process. Implement these strategies to help keep your ex from consuming your thoughts:
Remove reminders and mementos
Out of sight can lead to out of mind. Box up gifts, photos, his belongings, etc. Resist looking at old texts, emails or social media posts. Seeing his face everywhere will only feed the obsession.
Fill your schedule
Idle time lets your mind wander. Stay busy with work, hobbies, errands, same-day appointments, etc. Make lots of plans with friends too. You’ll have less time to sit and stew about the past.
Write in a journal
Pour out your feelings, analyze the relationship’s end, or make pro/con lists. Putting your thoughts on paper can help provide perspective and release emotions productively.
Practice mindfulness
When rumination kicks in, pause and bring your focus back to the present moment. Breathe deeply. Go for a walk and notice your surroundings. Mindfulness reduces dwelling on what you can’t control.
Limit alcohol and drug use
They often make missing your ex and longing for the past even more intense. Keep use moderate and lean on healthier coping outlets like exercise, art, and therapy.
Say it out loud to yourself or a friend
Verbalizing can help diffuse obsessive thoughts and break the rumination cycle. Say “I accept this relationship has ended. My ex is not coming back.” Hearing it aloud makes it feel more concrete.
Visualize pushing him out of your mind
Picture his face or your memories, then mentally pack them into a balloon and visualize it floating far away, popping and disappearing. It sounds silly but can help!
Date casually
When you’re ready, consider going on dates with new people. Getting to know potential partners can shift the focus away from your ex. Just don’t use dates as a distraction or rebounds.
List his flaws
Counterbalance idealizing him in your mind by making a list of his negative qualities and dealbreakers. Get honest about the ways he wasn’t right for you or hurt you. Rose-colored glasses have to come off.
Imagine neutral outcomes of contacting him
Play out what would realistically happen if you did text or call. Often, facing the likelihood of rejection, poor closure, or hearing he’s moved on helps quash the urge.
Believe time will heal
Keep reminding yourself that no pain lasts forever. Stay patient and persistent in building your new life. Have faith that these feelings will continue to fade. Healing is rarely linear.
Get therapy or life coaching
If you’re really struggling months later, enlist a professional. They can help you unpack why you’re stuck, process the grief, and strategize ways to shift your mindset and habits. You don’t have to obsess alone.
When Will I Stop Thinking About Him?
There’s no set timeline for getting someone out of your system entirely. But if you implement strategies to redirect your mental and emotional energy, you’ll gradually think of him less and less as days and weeks pass.
Here are some benchmarks many people notice:
- After 30 days, intrusive thoughts tend to slow down.
- After 60 days, strong emotional reactions and urges to contact him begin subsiding.
- After 90 days, you start feeling ready to fully let go, heal, and exist without him.
With concerted effort via No Contact, filling your schedule, journaling, etc., you can recover in less time. But be patient with slip ups and setbacks too. Healing a broken heart requires perseverance.
Over time, you’ll rediscover confidence, passions, and hope. This period of grief, sadness, angst, and rumination will pass. The light at the end of the tunnel gets closer each day. Stay strong!
What If He Contacts Me First?
There are two main scenarios if your ex reaches out before you’re ready or fully healed:
Reconciliation
He misses you and wants to get back together. That feels like an exciting dream-come-true at first! But pump the brakes before immediately saying yes:
- Have clarity on why you broke up in the first place. Those problems could resurface.
- Set boundaries and take it very slowly. Don’t pick up where you left off.
- Keep communication open. Discuss how to make this attempt different.
- Seek couples counseling to facilitate healthy reconciliation.
Breadcrumbing
He contacts you sporadically to flirt, text casually, or keep you on the hook emotionally without commitment. This prevents you from moving forward. To handle breadcrumbing:
- Tell him you need No Contact to heal if you’re not interested in reconciling.
- Block him on socials and your phone if needed.
- Don’t let him reel you back in if he’s not genuinely interested in a relationship.
- Date others and focus on your own fulfillment.
Ultimately, if he reaches out it should be a two-way street. Make sure he’s consistently matching your energy and readiness for commitment. Protect your heart and well-being.
How to Get Closure After a Breakup
Getting closure is crucial for moving on when things end poorly, out of the blue, or without mutual understanding. Here are different ways to find closure without your ex’s involvement:
Write an unsent goodbye letter
Pour out your feelings, hopes, disappointments and wishes one last time in writing. Consider writing as if you were having one final conversation with him. Then burn or shred the letter.
Have the conversation in your mind
Imagine what you’d say to him about the breakup if given the chance. Then imagine how he might compassionately respond in the best-case scenario. Envision feeling understood.
List unresolved issues and how to make peace with each
Inventory lingering frustrations, resentments, hurts. Then brainstorm how to process each to give yourself permission to move on. Forgiveness and acceptance are key.
Grieve the void left behind
Let yourself cry, wallow, and feel the full weight of loss. Lean on loved ones for comfort. Facing the pain is the only way to move through it. Time helps fill the void.
Send a final text if needed
If you ultimately need to reach out, keep it short. “I wish you well, but for my own healing I cannot stay in contact. Goodbye.” Then block him everywhere.
Hold a ritual burial for the relationship
Light candles, play special songs, read old cards and letters, even dig a shallow hole to symbolically bury mementos of the past. Letting go spiritually can bring peace.
However you find closure, believe that the answers you seek are within you. Your new beginning starts now.
When to Seek Help Getting Over Someone
Processing a breakup alone works for many people. But if you’re still struggling months later, professional support could be key. Consider counseling or therapy if:
- You contact your ex compulsively despite repeated rejection
- You’re experiencing depression, intense anxiety, loss of appetite, etc
- Fixating is affecting your responsibilities and daily functioning
- Friends have pointed out your obsession and need to move on
- Substance abuse, risky behaviors, or self-harm are becoming issues
Ask trusted loved ones for referrals to qualified, compassionate therapists. Seeking help is a sign of wisdom and strength. With support, you can learn tools to leave the past behind for good.
Can You Be Friends After a Breakup?
Trying to be friends immediately after splitting is tricky, since emotions are raw and reconciliation hopes often linger.
It can work if:
- You dated briefly or weren’t deeply invested
- The breakup was mutual and respectful
- Both commit to strict platonic friendship boundaries
- You’ve moved on from the romantic relationship fully
But for a while after heartbreak, No Contact is healthiest to gain distance and objectivity. Later on, sincere friendship is possible once you’ve both healed and let go of the past. Just don’t force it prematurely.
Conclusion
Coping with unwanted thoughts about an ex takes time, patience, and conscious work. Implement lifestyle changes and self-care practices to nurture yourself back from heartbreak. When one relationship ends, it clears space for the next exciting chapter of your life to begin. Have faith that the anguish and rumination will pass. You will feel whole again soon, stronger than before. Keep going!