What happens when the scapegoat goes no contact?

When a scapegoat decides to go no contact with their narcissistic or dysfunctional family, it can have a profound impact on the family dynamics and the scapegoat themselves. A scapegoat is the family member who is blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family, often unjustly. They are the target for abuse, criticism, and projection from the narcissistic or abusive parents or family members. Going no contact means cutting off all communication and connection with the abusive family members. This is often a necessary step for the scapegoat to protect themselves from further harm and begin healing.

Why would a scapegoat go no contact?

There are several common reasons a scapegoat may decide to go no contact:

• To protect themselves from ongoing emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse
• The abusive interactions have become too damaging to their self-esteem and mental health
• Their needs and feelings are continuously invalidated and dismissed by the family
• Attempts to set healthy boundaries are ignored or rejected
• The family denies any accountability for the abuse or dysfunction
• The family makes no effort to make positive changes or address issues
• The toxicity has become too much to bear – the scapegoat reaches a breaking point

Essentially, going no contact is often the only way the scapegoat can truly protect themselves once they realize the family will not change. The cumulative trauma and pain becomes too much. The scapegoat realizes the relationship is harmful and even dangerous, not loving or healthy. Going no contact is typically seen as a last resort after other attempts to set boundaries have failed.

What happens when the scapegoat leaves?

When a scapegoat goes no contact, several things tend to happen:

1. The family is forced to lose their scapegoat and deal with the dysfunction they had projected onto the scapegoat.
2. The family experiences destabilization and intensified anxiety without the scapegoat to blame.
3. The narcissistic or abusive family members may escalate abusive behaviors towards other family members.
4. The narcissistic and abusive family members will likely vilify the scapegoat further to the rest of the family.
5. The family may retaliate against the scapegoat with threats, harassment, or other abusive tactics.
6. Healthier family members may start to recognize and address the dysfunction now that it is not redirected onto the scapegoat.
7. The scapegoat has the space and freedom from abuse to start healing and recovering.

In essence, the family loses the person they could blame, criticize, and take frustrations out on. The scapegoat protected the family from having to look at its own dysfunction. When the scapegoat is no longer available to fill that role, the family is forced to deal with a void. Their toxicity and denial may ramp up as they struggle without a dumping ground. Healthier members may gain more clarity and decide to work on themselves. Meanwhile, the scapegoat gains needed distance from the abuse to begin recovering their sense of self and processing their traumas.

The family loses their scapegoat

The scapegoat leaving means the family members can no longer project their dysfunction onto one person. The family is confronted with its own unhealthy patterns, denial, and lack of accountability. The abusive parent or family members may intensify dysfunctional behaviors and abuse towards others, including the golden child. This further destabilizes the family system.

The family experiences greater anxiety and pain

When the scapegoat goes no contact, abusive and narcissistic family members often experience intensified anxiety, distress, or rage. This person often served as an emotional dumping ground, absorbing the brunt of the family’s issues. Without the scapegoat, the family must confront its own pain and darkness. This causes panic and discomfort. They may escalate abusive behaviors or attempt to pull in a new scapegoat due to the intensity of emotions.

Abusive family members escalate behaviors

It is common for abusive family members to increase abusive patterns when the scapegoat leaves, often aimed towards the next vulnerable target. This includes gaslighting, emotional abuse, criticism, and projection. The abusive member uses these tactics to externalize inner dysfunction and regain a sense of control and release in a dysfunctional way. Other family members may be subjected to increased manipulation, verbal assaults, smear campaigns or other forms of abuse.

The scapegoat is further vilified

Narcissistic or abusive family members will often vilify the scapegoat to the rest of the family once they go no contact. This serves several functions – to garner sympathy for themselves, justify harsh actions, and further smear the reputation of the scapegoat in the eyes of extended family. The abusive family will attempt to paint themselves as the victim and the scapegoat as unstable, mean, oversensitive or crazy. This distortion of reality strengthens the family’s denial.

The family retaliates against the scapegoat

In some cases, the abusive family will retaliate against the scapegoat for going no contact through threats, stalking, harassment, or lawsuits. This allows them to regain a sense of power and control while attempting to coerce the scapegoat to return to the dysfunctional family fold. Retaliation also acts as punishment for the scapegoat daring to leave. This retaliation can be extremely damaging and traumatic, which is why seeking legal help or law enforcement assistance is often advised.

Healthier family members gain clarity

The departure of the scapegoat allows kinder, healthier members of the family to recognize the dysfunction for what it is. They may realize their complicity in enabling abuse by failing to stand up to it. Without the scapegoat as a distraction, some family members may be compelled to address destructive patterns and be supportive towards the scapegoat.

The scapegoat can begin healing

For the scapegoat, going no contact stops the barrage of abuse and mistreatment. It removes them from the distorted reality the abusive family members created. The scapegoat is free from the narcissistic manipulation, blame, and projection. Away from the abusive fog, they gain clarity and objectivity about the dysfunction. They have space to process trauma, rebuild their sense of self, and start healing.

How does going no contact impact the scapegoat?

The experience of the scapegoat going no contact often follows several emotional phases:

Initial mixed emotions

In the beginning, the scapegoat often feels relief to be away from the abuse but also guilt, self-blame, and grief about losing their family. Leaving is an extremely difficult decision – the hope that things will get better often dies hard. The scapegoat may question if they overreacted or if they should have tried harder to make it work.

Attempts at reconciliation

Many scapegoats attempt to reconcile post no contact due to the guilt and hope they can repair things. Narcissistic and abusive family members often Hoover to get them back – feigning remorse and making promises to change. Yet the dysfunction quickly resumes. The scapegoat is retraumatized and reminded why they needed to go no contact.

Emotional rollercoaster

The scapegoat goes through intense emotions – anger, sadness, fear, doubt, grief. Leaving is traumatic and forces them to confront hard truths about their family. They may become severely depressed and struggle with suicidal thoughts during this emotional upheaval. It is important they seek professional support and rely on healthier relationships.

Reframing perceptions

The scapegoat must reframe narratives they internalized and recognize the abuse and dysfunction they endured. Leaving the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) allows reality and the truth to emerge. They learn about narcissistic personality disorder and scapegoating to make sense of their experiences.

Healing and recovery

As time passes, the scapegoat processes trauma, rebuilds self-worth, and achieves greater well-being away from the daily abuse. Their outlook improves, emotions stabilize, and feel more at peace. New healthier relationships can be built as dysfunctional ones fall away. Ongoing work is required, but life takes on new meaning.

Common challenges the scapegoat faces

Despite the benefits, going no contact comes with significant challenges for the scapegoat, including:

• Grief – The scapegoat grieves the loving family they wished they had as well as losing family members, even abusive ones.
• Guilt – They struggle with guilt over abandoning family or not trying hard enough to repair relationships.
• Loneliness – Losing their family, even dysfunctional ones, leaves a painful void and loneliness.
• Self-doubt – Away from the twisted narratives, self-blame surfaces – did they imagine abuse? Overreact? Hurt their family?
• Retraumatization – Any reconciliation efforts usually end in more abuse, discarding, and pain.
• Smear campaigns – Abusive family often spread lies to vilify, discredit, and isolate the scapegoat.

The scapegoat must work through these challenges to achieve healing. It takes time to undo the conditioning and realize the abuse was not their fault. Social support and professional help are critical to overcoming the hurdles and moving forward.

How the scapegoat can heal after no contact

The scapegoat can take several steps to help heal and recover after going no contact:

1. Obtain professional support through therapists knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse and family dysfunction.
2. Validate their own feelings and memories – accept the dysfunction and abuse was real despite denial and gaslighting.
3. Process feelings of grief, anger, guilt, shame, and loneliness in healthy ways through counseling, journaling, support groups.
4. Learn more about NPD, scapegoating, and dysfunctional family roles – education brings clarity.
5. Engage new mentors, chosen family members, and healthier relationships based on respect and reciprocity.
6. Practice strong boundaries with abusive family – change numbers, move, limit social media.
7. Exercise, meditate, connect to spirituality – develop new healthy coping mechanisms.
8. Pursue passions, creativity, learning – rediscover who they are beyond the scapegoat role.

The key is replacing dysfunctional coping habits with healthy ones. Effort and courage are required to stop negative thought patterns, release false guilt, and reclaim their life.

Conclusion

When scapegoats go no contact with abusive and narcissistic family members, the effects ripple through the family system. The family is forced to confront its own dysfunction with destabilizing consequences. The scapegoat must then embark on a challenging but necessary journey of healing from the complex trauma. With self-compassion, professional support and new healthier relationships, the scapegoat can reclaim their self-worth and create a brighter future.