Quick Answers
The Bible encourages forgiveness in relationships, even after infidelity. Key points include:
- Forgiveness is a choice and process, not just a one-time event.
- Forgiveness does not necessarily mean restoring the relationship right away or as it was before.
- Forgiveness is commanded by God, but reconciliation depends on true repentance and rebuilding trust.
- Forgiveness brings freedom from bitterness, but does not condone or excuse wrong behavior.
- Jesus forgave and reinstated the apostle Peter after he denied knowing Jesus three times.
Discovering that your spouse or significant other has been unfaithful can be absolutely devastating. The intense heartache, confusion, anger, and loss of trust that accompany infidelity can feel completely overwhelming. You may wonder how you can ever move past the betrayal. Is it possible to forgive someone who cheated? What does the Bible say about forgiveness in such painful situations?
The Bible speaks extensively about the importance of forgiveness. Scripture teaches that forgiveness goes to the heart of our relationship with God. We are able to receive God’s forgiveness for our own mistakes and sins because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. When we accept God’s forgiveness, we commit to extending forgiveness to others. However, forgiveness does not always come easily, especially after serious betrayal.
Forgiving infidelity is an extremely difficult process. Healing your own heart and rebuilding trust are not accomplished with just one prayer or decision. But God does encourage us to pursue a pathway of forgiveness when we have been wronged, because it brings freedom and restoration.
What is the Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation?
When considering forgiveness after infidelity, it helps to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness occurs as an internal emotional process and decision. The wounded person chooses to release bitterness and anger and extend mercy instead. Forgiveness is something that happens within your own heart, even if the unfaithful person is unrepentant or the relationship ends in divorce.
In contrast, reconciliation is the process of restoring a damaged relationship. It requires rebuilding trust that has been lost through infidelity. Both the offending and wounded person must actively participate in reconciliation. It involves open communication, expressing regret and empathy, being patient with each other’s healing process, and commitment to creating a healthier relationship.
The Bible encourages forgiveness in all circumstances. However, Scripture does not command immediate reconciliation after infidelity. In some situations, reconciliation may not be possible or advisable, especially if the unfaithful person is unwilling to take responsibility and pursue deeper change. Christians are called to forgive, but not required to stay in an unhealthy relationship.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation After Infidelity
| Forgiveness | Reconciliation |
|---|---|
| Internal emotional process | Restoring the relationship |
| Choice to release bitterness | Requires mutual effort |
| Extending mercy | Rebuilding trust over time |
| One-sided | Two-sided process |
| Not contingent upon apology or repentance | Contingent upon repentance and change |
Biblical Examples of Forgiveness
Even amid grievous sins, the Bible provides inspiration for the power of forgiveness. Here are some examples of forgiveness in Scripture that can inform our perspective on forgiving an unfaithful spouse.
Jesus Forgave the Woman Caught in Adultery
In John 8:1-11, Jewish religious leaders caught a woman in the act of adultery and brought her to Jesus, asking if she should be stoned according to the Law of Moses. After her accusers left, Jesus told the woman “Neither do I condemn you” and exhorted her to leave her life of sin. Jesus chose compassion and forgiveness over condemnation.
Joseph Forgave His Brothers for Selling Him into Slavery
After being sold into slavery in Egypt by his jealous brothers, Joseph rose to prominence in Egypt due to his spiritual wisdom. When his brothers came to Egypt seeking food during a famine, Joseph forgave them for their past betrayal instead of seeking revenge. He emphasized God’s sovereignty in the situation rather than holding resentment (Genesis 50:20).
Jesus Forgave Peter for Denying Him
During Jesus’ trial, the apostle Peter denied knowing Jesus three times after Jesus was arrested. Following the resurrection, Jesus lovingly reinstated Peter, allowing him to affirm his love for Christ three times (John 21:15-17). Peter went on to become a pillar of the early church.
These examples reveal how God’s forgiveness extends to serious moral failings. God sees the heart and seeks repentance and restoration of the sinner. Forgiveness does not necessarily remove all consequences, but sets the relationship on a healing pathway.
Bible Verses about Forgiveness after Betrayal and Infidelity
Many Bible passages address God’s heart of forgiveness toward flawed people. These scriptures on forgiveness provide insight for showing grace to a spouse who was unfaithful.
Luke 6:37 – “Forgive, and You Will Be Forgiven”
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
Jesus emphasized that extending forgiveness results in receiving forgiveness. When we hold on to bitterness toward someone who hurt us, it impedes our relationship with God.
Matthew 6:14-15 – “If You Forgive Others, Your Heavenly Father Will Also Forgive You”
“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Forgiving others demonstrates our trust in God’s mercy toward us. It should spring from our gratitude for how God has forgiven our sins.
Ephesians 4:31-32 – “Be Kind and Compassionate to One Another, Forgiving Each Other”
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Paul calls believers to replace bitterness with kindness, compassion, and grace toward others. This reflects Christ’s forgiveness toward us.
Matthew 18:21-22 – “Forgive Your Brother from the Heart”
“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”
Jesus emphasizes the importance of maintaining a forgiving heart, even after repeated offenses. Genuine forgiveness does not keep count of wrongs.
Colossians 3:12-13 – “Bear with Each Other and Forgive One Another”
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
Out of gratitude for God’s mercy, Christians are called to exhibit patience, humility and forgiveness daily toward others.
Steps for Forgiving Infidelity from a Christian Perspective
Forgiving infidelity is extremely difficult. It may seem impossible in the throes of fresh pain after discovering a spouse’s unfaithfulness. However, Scripture teaches that forgiveness should characterize a believer’s heart and life. What does the process of forgiving infidelity look like in real life? Here are some practical steps:
1. Release the Right to Retaliate
Harboring thoughts of retaliation will only breed more bitterness. Jesus encourages us to forego vengeance and leave room for God’s justice when we have been wronged. Recognize that vengeance cannot undo the hurt you feel. Ask God to soften your heart toward your spouse.
2. Acknowledge Your Hurt
You have a right to feel profound pain, anger, confusion, and grief after infidelity. Your spouse’s actions were unjustifiable. Allow yourself to feel and process these emotions while bringing them to God. Ask God to comfort and carry you during this darkest valley.
3. Make a Decision, Not Just an Emotion
Forgiveness occurs by choice, in obedience to God’s Word. It may start with simply praying, “God, help me release bitterness and will to forgive.” You do not have to wait until you feel ready. Ask God to change your heart and empower you to purposefully extend mercy instead of hurt.
4. Release Your Spouse into God’s Hands
You cannot change your spouse or control their choices. Only God can bring true conviction and repentance. Pray for your spouse and release the relationship to God. Ask God for wisdom about healthy boundaries if you pursue reconciliation.
5. Consider Your Own Need for Grace
Thinking about your own flaws and failures can produce humility and empathy about the complexity of sinful human nature. Just as God has forgiven you, extend that same mercy to the one who hurt you deeply. We all need God’s grace.
These steps encourage active surrender of anger to God so that forgiveness becomes possible. This is not a passive process, but involves perseverant prayer, Scriptural meditation, community support, and honesty before God about the depth of the injury.
Signs Your Spouse Needs More Time Before You Can Reconcile
Because forgiving infidelity does not necessarily lead to restored relationship right away, it is important to watch for genuine life change in the unfaithful spouse over an extended period of time. Premature reconciliation can compromise a victim’s healing.
Here are some signs your spouse may need more time before reconciling:
- Quick promises of change without long-term evidence
- Blaming you or others for their choices
- Defensiveness when you express hurt or ask questions
- Secretive behaviors that breach trust
- Unwillingness to seek counseling or accountability
- RESISTANCE TO MAKING LIFESTYLE CHANGES
- Anger when confronted about inappropriate contact
Your spouse may need counseling to address deeper issues and time to demonstrate new trustworthiness. drawing healthy boundaries while requiring accountability can clarify whether genuine repentance is happening.
Pursuing change and counseling
Signs of genuine life change that may indicate readiness to reconcile include:
- Consistently honoring no-contact boundaries
- Seeking out accountability and counseling
- Demonstrating understanding of your grief and need for time
- Answering questions and being transparent about actions
- Making heartfelt amends and restitution
- Patiently regaining trust through new trustworthiness
Deep wounds like infidelity heal slowly. Avoid demanding premature reconciliation; but also watch for true life change over the long haul.
Does Forgiveness Mean Restoring the Relationship?
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. It takes two to reconcile, while only one to forgive. God calls every believer to forgive as He has forgiven us. But restoring relationship requires the participation of the offender.
In some cases, reconciliation may not be possible if the unfaithful spouse is unrepentant or unwilling to make meaningful changes. In other situations, the betrayed spouse may choose not to reconcile due to the severity of the betrayal involved. You can forgive someone without allowing them back into an intimate place in your life.
However, if the unfaithful person shows genuine repentance and life change over time, reconciliation could be possible. The betrayed spouse should not feel forced to reconcile prematurely. The offender should respect the wounded spouse’s need for space and time to rebuild trust as they feel able, not demand reconciliation on their timeline.
With God’s help, forgiveness is always possible. Prayerfully evaluating if reconciliation is wise for your situation takes time and wisdom.
Learning to Forgive Yourself After Infidelity
In working through infidelity, it’s common for the wounded spouse to blame themselves, experiencing guilt and shame over not seeing red flags or trying hard enough to prevent straying. However, the unfaithful spouse alone bears responsibility for their decisions. There is nothing you did to cause their infidelity. If you contributed problems to the relationship, that does not justify cheating.
Allow God to speak truth into distorted thinking that blames you. Receive His forgiveness to release self-condemnation. Extending grace to yourself frees you from false responsibility for choices someone else made.
Can You Get Back Together After Infidelity?
Yes, it is possible for couples to reconcile and rebuild a relationship after infidelity. However, the rate is not high. In one study, only 22% of couples remained together after infidelity.(1) The more faithful spouse’s capacity to forgive, the unfaithful spouse’s depth of repentance, and commitment to counseling significantly impact the odds of reconciliation.
The couple must commit to mutual understanding of the infidelity’s causes, resolving personal issues that contributed, and repairing the relationship’s weak points. Since trust has been broken on the deepest levels, restoring intimacy and connection takes time. Responsibility for healing lies with the unfaithful person as they re-earn trust. With God’s help, some couples develop greater communication and commitment through the recovery process.
Finding Closure Without Reconciliation
If you pursue forgiveness but do not reconcile, find closure by releasing the relationship to God. Forgiveness brings freedom from holding on to anger and preoccupation with the offense. Release the person to God and ask Him to work in their heart. Open your hands and heart back up to receive God’s blessings for your life without clinging to what was.
Christian Counseling for Infidelity and Forgiveness
Christian counseling provides tremendous help with processing grief, releasing anger through forgiveness, setting boundaries, and exploring reconciliation if appropriate. Counselors help both spouses examine underlying issues and develop relationship skills. You do not have to walk through recovery alone. Opening up to a pastor or Christian therapist brings support and wisdom.
Conclusion
Healing from infidelity requires time and God’s grace. The betrayer may be sincerely repentant and committed to restoring trust, allowing the possibility of reconciliation. In other cases, the wounds may be too deep for the relationship to continue. Yet God still calls the wounded person to forgive, granting freedom from lingering resentment and opening the door to wholeness. What is impossible for us becomes possible through Christ’s empowering forgiveness.