Attending a shiva house after someone has passed away can be an emotional and challenging time. You may be wondering what is appropriate to say and do when paying a shiva call to a grieving family. Here are some quick answers to common questions about shiva etiquette:
What is shiva? Shiva is the 7-day mourning period in Judaism after a close relative has died. Friends and community visit the family’s home to pay respects, bring food, and comfort the mourners.
What do I say when I arrive? Offer a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” and share a good memory or positive quality of the deceased if you knew them. Avoid cliches like “they’re in a better place.”
Should I bring food? Yes, it’s customary to bring a dish, dessert, fruit, or beverage to help feed mourning families. Comfort foods like baked goods or sandwiches are appreciated.
What should I wear? Dress respectfully and avoid bright colors. Men should wear a yarmulke if Jewish.
How long should I stay? Plan on staying 15-30 minutes to allow time for other visitors. You can politely take your leave by saying you’ll continue to keep the family in your thoughts.
Comforting the Bereaved
When attending a shiva house, your presence alone conveys your care and support for the mourners. Here are some tips for comforting and engaging with the bereaved family:
Listen More Than Speak
Allow mourners to speak freely of their loved one, their grief, and the loss they’re enduring. Avoid interrupting or feeling you must fill silences.
Share Memories
If you knew the deceased, share heartwarming stories and fond memories that bring their spirit back to life. This helps remind mourners of their loved one’s vibrant existence.
Offer Practical Help
Inquire if you can assist with any practical needs in the days ahead like bringing meals, driving family members, or helping with chores. Don’t be shy to offer concrete help.
Be Present in Their Pain
There’s no need to have the perfect words. Just sitting with someone in their grief has power. Offer a tissue, a hand to hold, or even just your company.
Follow Their Lead
Some may need quiet company, others may need to cry and express emotions openly. Take cues from the family’s tone and be responsive to what they seem to need in that moment.
What to Say at a Shiva House
Here are some phrases and condolences you can offer when paying a shiva visit:
“I am so sorry for your loss.”
This simple, direct expression of sympathy is always welcome and appropriate.
“[Name of deceased] was such a kind/thoughtful/caring person.”
Highlighting the deceased’s positive attributes brings comfort to mourners.
“My fondest memory of [name] was…”
Sharing a warm memory honors the deceased’s lasting legacy.
“Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help your family.”
Extending yourself with practical assistance shows you care.
“You and your family are in my thoughts/prayers.”
Letting mourners know they are not alone in their grief is meaningful.
“[Name] was so proud of you / loved you so much.”
Acknowledging the close ties mourners had with the deceased is comforting.
“What a blessing to have had [name] in your life.”
Celebrating the deceased’s role in the mourner’s life brings solace.
“Please call me if you ever want to talk. I’m always here.”
Offering ongoing support beyond the shiva visit matters.
What Not to Say at a Shiva House
There are also comments that may be upsetting for grieving families to hear. Avoid the following insensitive remarks:
“At least they lived a long life.”
Comments about the deceased’s longevity minimize mourners’ sadness.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Every person’s grief is unique, so avoid comparisons.
“They’re in a better place.”
Clichéd comments about the afterlife often ring hollow.
“It was God’s plan.”
Comments framing death as part of a divine plan can seem hurtful.
“It’s probably for the best.”
Suggesting any positive or bright side to a loved one’s death is insensitive.
“You’ll find someone else.”
If mourners lost a spouse, refrain from mentioning future relationships.
“At least you have your memories.”
Memories may be painful when someone is first grieving a loss.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Take initiative to be supportive and offer tangible help instead.
Funeral and Shiva Etiquette
In Judaism, a funeral and shiva period often follow in sequence as part of mourning rituals. Here is a brief overview of etiquette for both:
Funeral Etiquette
| Guideline | Description |
|---|---|
| Dress Modestly | Wear dark, conservative clothing. Men should wear a jacket and yarmulke. |
| Arrive on Time | Funerals follow a tight schedule. Arrive 10-15 minutes early. |
| Turn Phones Off | Silence devices as a sign of respect. |
| Pay Respects | Express sympathy to mourners before or after the service. |
| Consider Donations | Giving to a charity in memory of the deceased is customary. |
Shiva Etiquette
| Guideline | Description |
|---|---|
| Provide Comfort | Offer sincere condolences and empathy to mourners. |
| Bring Food | Meals, baked goods and drinks for mourners are welcome. |
| Help Out | Offer practical support and assistance where needed. |
| Engage Mourners | Have open conversations to provide comfort and distraction. |
| Limit Visits | Keep shiva calls to about 15-30 minutes each. |
Supporting the Bereaved After Shiva
The Jewish mourning period continues even after the intensity of shiva and funeral rituals. Here are some thoughtful ways to continue supporting the bereaved:
Send Cards
Mail sympathy cards to let mourners know you still think of them and their loved one.
Reach Out
Proactively call or text over the months ahead to check in as grief comes in waves.
Offer Childcare
If mourners have children, babysitting can provide respite during their time of grief.
Invite Them Out
Gently encourage mourners to socialize when they are ready by inviting them to small outings.
Help With Tasks
Take on errands, chores, or duties mourners may be overwhelmed to handle alone.
Commemorate Anniversaries
Mark important dates like birthdays, death anniversary, yahrzeit etc. with cards, flowers, donations or by just being present.
Listen
Continue to make space for mourners to share memories, sorrows or reflections whenever needed.
Conclusion
Visiting shiva is an important demonstration of love and support for those grieving a loss. With some knowledge of Jewish mourning customs and these tips for navigating condolences, you can be prepared to sensitively comfort the bereaved. Your presence and willingness to listen without judgement will be valued. Mourning the death of a loved one lasts long after shiva, so look for ways you can continue offering empathy and practical assistance in the months and years ahead.
