What causes someone to emotionally cheat?

Emotional cheating, sometimes called micro-cheating, refers to behavior that crosses emotional boundaries in a relationship without actual physical infidelity. Emotional cheating typically involves confiding in someone outside of the relationship, sharing intimate details and feelings with them, and forming an emotional attachment that takes priority over the primary relationship. While not a physical affair, emotional cheating can damage trust and intimacy just as severely. Understanding the root causes of emotional cheating can help prevent or address this problematic behavior.

What is Emotional Cheating?

Emotional cheating involves seeking emotional intimacy and connection with someone outside of the committed relationship. This may include:

  • Sharing personal information, dreams, and desires more freely with the outside person than primary partner
  • Discussing intimate relationship details and problems with the other person
  • Enjoying text, social media, phone, or in-person interactions more with the other person than primary partner
  • Thinking about the other person frequently throughout the day
  • Looking forward to talking to or being with the other person more than the primary partner

While physical intimacy or sex is not involved, this emotional bond and preoccupation takes attention and emotional energy away from the primary relationship, weakening the intimacy. The primary partner often feels replaced, devalued, and betrayed when their loved one is emotionally invested elsewhere.

How Does it Differ from Physical Infidelity?

While equally painful for the betrayed partner, emotional cheating differs from physical cheating and affairs in key ways:

  • No physical or sexual interaction occurs, though emotional intimacy and chemistry build
  • The emotionally unfaithful partner may not see their behavior as problematic or cheating
  • Contacts are often sustained over social media or texting versus in-person meetups
  • Emotional cheating is often more difficult to recognize or define than physical cheating

Despite the lack of physical intimacy, emotional cheating carries a sense of betrayal, loss, and deception that can feel like infidelity to the committed partner.

Common Signs of an Emotionally Cheating Partner

Some indicators your partner may be emotionally invested in someone else include:

  • Increased phone/device secrecy and guarding
  • Less engagement in the relationship and finding fault with you more often
  • Less physical intimacy with you
  • Defensiveness about their friendship with the person
  • Choosing to spend free time texting or talking to the person instead of you
  • Pulling away emotionally and keeping thoughts/feelings hidden

You may notice they light up around this person or when communicating with them in a way that used to be reserved for you. Trust your instincts if you suspect inappropriate emotional closeness.

Causes of Emotional Cheating

Why would someone who claims to be committed choose to invest emotionally outside their relationship? Understanding the root causes can help prevent or resolve emotional cheating.

Unmet intimacy needs

Humans have an innate need for closeness and understanding. When intimacy needs go unmet by a primary partner for long periods, it becomes tempting to seek that emotional connection elsewhere. Your partner may confide in someone else if you have:

  • Become emotionally distant and unavailable
  • Stopped communicating openly and frequently
  • Been distracted, impatient or dismissive when they try to share
  • Struggled to understand them or meet their needs

If they can vent to, get support from, and feel “gotten” by another person, the temptation for emotional intimacy outside the relationship grows.

Unresolved relationship issues

Every couple experiences conflicts, disappointments, slights, and other relationship problems at times. When these issues fester and go unresolved for too long, it can drive partners to disconnect from each other. Your loved one may feel it’s easier to avoid dealing with relationship problems altogether by seeking emotional refuge elsewhere.

Boredom

Familiarity in a long-term relationship is normal. But when boredom sets in for one or both partners, the “thrill” of meaningful connection with someone new becomes enticing. Flirtation and emotional intimacy with a new person can feel exciting compared to the status quo with a primary partner.

Ego gratification

Having someone express interest, admiration, and attention can provide an ego boost, especially if intimacy feels lacking in the committed relationship. The temptation to bask in someone else’s flattery and pursue that emotional high can override
good intentions.

Avoidance of grief/loss

After experiencing a major loss like divorce or death of a loved one, people may seek a comforting emotional connection as part of the grieving process. This leads some to “affair down” by getting involved with someone they wouldn’t normally choose. It serves as a distraction from the pain.

Unfulfilled romantic fantasies

For some people, the grass starts to look greener outside their relationship. Loneliness, boredom or frustration make fantasies about romance with someone else look more appealing. Emotional intimacy with a new person can represent a romantic daydream come true.

Feeling taken for granted

Partners who become focused on responsibilities, children, life stresses or their own interests can accidentally neglect the relationship. When one partner feels taken for granted, unappreciated, and overlooked for a long period, it makes them vulnerable to seeking appreciation elsewhere.

Conflict avoidance

Some people hate rocking the boat, even if the relationship is floundering. Pursuing emotional intimacy with someone new can seem like an easier escape than confronting problems and trying to resolve the issues directly with their partner.

Looking for validation after rejection

Experiencing rejection from their primary partner leaves some people wanting confirmation that they are still desirable, witty, fun, attractive, etc. Flirtation and emotional intimacy with a new interested person can temporarily restore those good feelings about themselves.

Damaged self-esteem

When self-esteem takes a battering after relationship problems, some partners seek an emotional affair to reassure themselves that someone “wonderful” still finds them appealing and worthy of affection.

Pre-emptive exit strategy

Some unfaithful partners use emotional affairs to pave the way for leaving the primary relationship. Connecting intimately with someone new makes pulling the plug easier. The affair provides a ready-made transition.

Are Certain People More Prone to Emotional Cheating?

While anyone can cross emotional boundaries in their relationship, certain personality traits and behaviors tend to increase the risk someone will engage in an emotional affair:

People-pleasers

For those who crave approval and validation from others, the desire to be found captivating by someone new often proves irresistible. Declining attention from an interested person feels impolite to the people-pleaser.

Insecure attachment style

Those with an insecure attachment style from childhood often fear being abandoned in relationships as adults. They may initiate emotional affairs as a way to avoid potential rejection by their partner down the road.

Thrill-seekers

Some individuals just get bored easily and seek a sense of excitement and newness. The intrigue of intimate conversation with someone off-limits provides that thrill.

Attention-seekers

For those who enjoy being in the spotlight, soaking up someone’s interest and desire provides a powerful draw toward emotional or physical affairs. The ego rush overpowers good judgment.

Flirts

Individuals prone to casual flirting and crushes can easily slide into emotional cheating without considering the consequences. They enjoy the rush of chemistry.

Poor communicators

When frustration builds from an inability to express needs to a primary partner, emotionally-stunted communicators will often look elsewhere to have those needs met.

Addiction transference

Recovering addicts dealing with sobriety sometimes transfer their obsessive behaviors to unhealthy relationships. This emotional intensity puts them at greater risk of affairs.

Unhealed hurt

People carrying pain and trust issues from past failed relationships may use emotional affairs as both a shield against hurt and a way to medicate old wounds.

Damaged empathy

Partners who lack empathy and walk past emotional boundaries often don’t consider or care about the impact of their actions on a primary partner. They pursue what satisfies them.

Narcissists

Those high on narcissism feel entitled to emotional intimacy on their terms. Supporting a spouse doesn’t feed their ego as much as pursuing external validation.

Preventing Emotional Cheating

Addressing the following proactively can help inoculate your relationship against emotional infidelity down the road:

Practice radical honesty and transparency

Have open discussions about your expectations for appropriate boundaries with other men/women. Share passwords to devices and accounts. Admit when someone’s interest or attention feels tempting rather than keeping it secret. Welcome your partner’s honesty in return without retribution.

Make intimacy a priority

Set aside dedicated couple time for talking, activities, affection and sex. Be fully present and engaged when together. Flirt, touch, and be playful. Show appreciation for your partner’s time and attention.

Work through unresolved issues

Don’t allow disappointments, misunderstandings or bad habits to pile up. Address issues directly through compromise. Seek counseling if needed to facilitate healthy communication.

Discuss fantasies openly

It’s normal for long-term partners to notice attractive strangers and occasionally fantasize. Don’t judge each other for this. But do talk about how to healthily handle crushes when they arise.

Set clear boundaries

Discuss what behaviors would feel like cheating to each of you, emotional or physical. Respect each other’s limits. Transparency protects the relationship.

Make your partner a priority

Show through your focus and actions that your partner and relationship are your first priority, not hobbies, socializing, work demands or outside attention. Protect couple time.

Address boredom

Mix up date routines, try new activities, travel when possible, and learn about each other’s evolving goals, dreams and interests. Boredom is the enemy of relationships.

Validate each other often

Compliment, thank, appreciate and acknowledge your partner frequently for both their role in your shared life and who they are as an individual.

Don’t feel trapped

If you’ve tried everything to restore intimacy with your spouse but find yourself still craving emotional connection with others, be honest with yourself. Perhaps it’s time to let each other go.

How to Handle Emotional Cheating

When boundaries have already been crossed, how can the relationship be repaired?

See it as a wake-up call

Rather than just point fingers about cheating, have an open discussion about why your relationship may have been vulnerable and how to get it back on track.

Cut off contact with the third party

Your partner must end all non-essential contact with the outside person to start rebuilding trust. Explain that you need this to heal.

Get professional help

An objective counselor facilitates the deep talks and learning required to overcome betrayal, restore intimacy, and develop healthier boundaries.

Resist “affair fog” thinking

The cheating partner must snap out of rationalizing the affair or pining for the other person. They must recommit and do the work.

Rebuild transparency

Extra transparency is required moving forward – access to devices, accounts, sharing itineraries and check-ins when apart. Honesty and accountability help regain comfort.

Examine core issues

Look beneath the surface at the emotional needs, childhood wounds, fears or narcissism driving affairs. Don’t avoid deeper breakthroughs.

Commit to personal growth

If individual problems contributed to cheating, like insecurity or empathy issues, agree to therapy, reading, or courses for self-improvement.

Restore emotional intimacy

Make reconnecting a priority through conversation, undivided attention, affection, dates, and Geddes. Don’t let distance creep back in.

Forgive

Once the hurt partner feels the cheater understands the damage done and has changed, forgiveness is possible. This enables moving forward.

Let go of anger

Release resentment through discussion, journaling, vigorous exercise or even counseling. Anger will corrode the relationship if not properly processed.

Be patient

Recognize that rebuilding broken trust and intimacy will take consistent effort over months or years. It requires patience during setbacks.

Conclusion

Emotional cheating presents a major threat to relationship stability and satisfaction. While intimacy needs and personal flaws can drive this behavior, self-awareness and transparent communication can prevent boundaries from being crossed. If cheating does occur, both people must dig deep to understand why it happened, address those root causes, reconnect and commit to nurturing intimacy once again. With consistent effort and willingness for growth, emotional intimacy can flourish once again.

Leave a Comment