New parenthood is an exciting but challenging time. Sleepless nights caring for a newborn baby can take a toll, especially when both parents are working. This raises the question: should working dads help with night feeds? There are arguments on both sides. Some believe moms should take on this responsibility, while others advocate for dividing duties equally. This article examines the debate in-depth.
The case for dads helping
There are several reasons why working fathers should assist with nighttime feedings:
Promotes gender equality
In the past, childcare duties like feeding were seen as solely the mother’s job. But modern couples increasingly aim for gender equality in parenting. Sharing night waking teaches this value to kids from an early age.
Lightens mom’s load
Night feeds every 2-3 hours are exhausting. Having dad tag in gives mom a chance to sleep, preventing burnout. This may help her better cope with postpartum recovery and mood changes.
Strengthens bonding
Feeding provides special one-on-one time for dads to bond with baby. Skin-to-skin contact releases oxytocin, a bonding hormone. Being hands-on from the start helps dads feel confident caring for their child.
Models teamwork
Tag-teaming middle-of-the-night wakeups shows kids mom and dad are a united front. This sets the tone for an equitable partnership as the pressures of parenthood continue.
Allows breastfeeding
If mom is breastfeeding, having dad handle tasks like burping and changing lets her rest between feeds. A 2012 study found support from dads in the first month improves breastfeeding rates at 6 months.
Benefits dads
Research shows involved fatherhood reduces men’s risk of mental health issues like depression. Hands-on care in infancy helps dads feel connected to their role.
Reasons some argue dads shouldn’t help
While the case for sharing night duty is compelling, some feel differently. Reasons why dads may be exempted include:
Moms recuperate faster
Mothers have caregiving instincts and hormones to aid post-birth recovery. Letting them focus on rest while dads work may help them heal faster. However, experts note dads can still help in ways that allow mom to sleep.
Breastfeeding is difficult to share
If mom is exclusively breastfeeding, some argue involving dads in night feeds makes little sense. But dads can still share winding, changing and soothing baby between feeds.
Dads have to work
Some contend since dads have jobs outside the home, moms should handle nights alone. But this overlooks that moms often work too. Both parents juggle responsibilities.
Financial pressures
Without paid paternity leave, many dads use vacation time after birth. Some worry night wakings will make them too sleep-deprived to work safely. But studies show babies sleep better when parents split the load, meaning more rest for dads too.
Traditional gender roles
Despite progress toward equality, some still believe moms should provide round-the-clock nurturing while dads work as breadwinners. But modern families increasingly reject rigid gender divides.
Tips for dads helping with night feeds
How can fathers practically help while still meeting work obligations? Some suggestions:
Agree to a plan
Discuss needs and expectations beforehand. Schedule who handles which feed to split responsibility evenly.
Tag team
Coordinate so each parent can get unbroken sleep for at least a 4-5 hour stretch. Trade off who goes first.
Communicate
Keep open dialogue about how you’re coping. Renegotiate if needed. Don’t sabotage progress by trying to be stoic.
Nap when possible
Resting when baby sleeps provides relief from sleep deficit. Take naps together to bond.
Go to bed earlier
Adjust schedule to turn in 30 mins to 1 hour earlier in preparation for wakings. darken room, avoid screens before bed.
Accept help
Let family and friends pitch in with meals, errands and chores so you can both focus on sleep and baby.
Take leave if able
Use vacation or paid paternity leave to handle extra feeds while adjusting. If unpaid, discuss compromises with work.
Remember it’s temporary
The frequent night wakings of newborn period pass quickly. Share the load knowing this too shall pass.
Focus on teamwork
Tackle sleep deprivation as a team, not in competition. Communicate, support each other.
The impact of paternal involvement
Research confirms positive outcomes when dads share feeding responsibilities. For example:
Improved breastfeeding rates
Studies show supportive dads enable moms to breastfeed longer. A 2013 study found women whose partners woke at night to help breastfeed were twice as likely to be breastfeeding at 6 months postpartum.
Healthier co-parenting relationship
An analysis of 128 studies found fathers who actively care for infants have better relationship satisfaction. Sharing duties equitably from the start prevents resentment.
Increased maternal sleep
Moms get significantly more sleep when dads help with night waking. In one study, moms got over 45 minutes more sleep per night.
Reduced risk of postpartum depression
Research shows supportive involvement of dads decreases moms’ risk of postpartum mood disorders like depression. Shared nighttime parenting is a tangible way dads can help.
Improved child development
Studies link active and nurturing fatherhood with cognitive, language and emotional development in babies and children.
Greater marital satisfaction
Equitable division of infant care responsibilities predicts happier marriages, according to a 2018 study.
Increased paternal sleep
Perhaps counterintuitively, dads who help at night get more sleep than those who try to sleep through feeds. Splitting duties allows both parents more consolidated rest.
Lower risk of paternal depression
Fathers who participate in infant care report better mental health. Night duties give dads key bonding time in the first months when risk of paternal depression peaks.
How to split night duty fairly
To divide overnight feedings in an equitable way, consider the following tips:
Take turns
Trade off who attends to baby each time they wake to nurse or be soothed back to sleep. Use a schedule.
Consider work schedules
If one parent has to be up early, the other can take over more feeds in the early morning hours.
Let each get a longer stretch
Rather than splitting every wake-up, try having one parent handle the first stretch of night and the other the late shift.
Make up time elsewhere
If breastfeeding prevents even division of night feeds, dads can take on more daytime baby care tasks like bathing.
Communicate needs
Check in to adjust if someone is overwhelmed or not coping well. Don’t suffer in silence.
Nap when possible
Rest together when baby sleeps to help make up the debt, bonding as a couple.
Call in backup
If you both work full-time, consider hiring night doula support temporarily to fill gaps.
Lean on family/friends
Accept offers of help from loved ones so you can catch up on sleep when off duty.
Remember it’s not forever
As baby begins sleeping longer stretches, split night responsibilities won’t feel as crushing. Hang in there.
Setting expectations
To make divided night duties work, set expectations fairly:
Discuss ahead of time
Agree on a plan that splits overnights based on each person’s capacity. Communicate respective needs and challenges.
Be flexible
Adjust the agreement as you go based on how you’re each coping. Renegotiate if it’s not working.
Handle other duties too
Whoever is off feed duty can wash bottles, bring baby to mom, change diapers between feeds.
Don’t keep score
Avoid comparing or complaining about who does more. Remember you’re both sleep-deprived.
Show appreciation
Acknowledge each other’s hard work and sacrifice. Small gestures of thanks go a long way.
Focus on teamwork
Approach night wakings as a shared challenge you’re tackling together, not in opposition.
Make sleep a priority
Agree overnight sleep is crucial. Do whatever it takes – shift changes, naps, early bedtimes.
Get creative
Consider solutions like bringing the crib into your room temporarily so you can trade off easier.
Seek help if needed
If tensions rise due to exhaustion, seek counseling or support groups for coping strategies.
Making the adjustment
Sharing night duty is an adjustment. Some tips for the transition:
Expect a learning curve
It will take time to find your groove. Expect some hiccups as you figure out what works best for you both.
Communicate needs
Check in regularly about what’s manageable and what’s not. Adjust as required.
Acknowledge feelings
This big change can stir up emotions. Create space to voice frustrations or anxieties without placing blame.
See the doctor if needed
If sleep deprivation is affecting concentration at work or relationships, seek medical help.
Lower standards
Let non-essentials slide to reserve energy for getting through the day.
Nap when possible
Resting when baby sleeps helps make up lost overnight sleep.
Use relaxation techniques
Wind down with meditation, deep breathing, visualization exercises to manage stress.
Go to bed early
Adjust schedule to turn in earlier in anticipation of wakings. Follow good sleep hygiene.
Accept help
Take up others’ offers to cook, clean, shop, etc. so you can rest.
Take it one day at a time
Just focus on getting through each 24 hour period. Things will slowly get easier.
Troubleshooting problems
To troubleshoot issues that may arise:
Listen without blaming
If someone expresses frustration, don’t get defensive. Hear them out then calmly discuss.
Tackle tension promptly
Resolve disagreements rather than letting resentment build up. Don’t undermine progress by avoiding conflict.
Reevaluate if needed
Be honest if the arrangement isn’t working. Go back to the drawing board.
Consider outside help
If you’re arguing frequently from exhaustion, seek counseling to improve coping skills.
Identify signs of depression
Watch for symptoms like mood changes, lack of enjoyment. Seek medical help if concerned.
Work together, not against
Frame night wakings as a shared challenge, not a competition. Support each other.
Remind each other of “why”
Reconnect with your devotion to each other and baby. Refocus on values vs just tasks.
Take over when needed
If your partner seems overwhelmed, step up and suggest they take a break.
Let go of score-keeping
Avoid comparing or keeping tabs. You both contribute important things.
Be compassionate
Remember you’re both doing the best you can on minimal sleep. Extend grace.
Special considerations
Some additional factors for couples to keep in mind:
Medical complications
If mom or baby has health issues, this may affect what level of night help mom needs from dad.
Multiples
With twins/triplets, you’ll need even more teamwork and coordination to allow everyone some rest.
Breastfeeding difficulties
If pain or latch issues arise causing distress, dad can bring baby to mom and handle soothing between feeds.
Bottle feeding
If you bottle feed breastmilk/formula, dads can take over some feeds entirely to let mom sleep.
Colic
Frequent waking from colic can be exhausting. Work as a team, taking turns calming baby.
Sleep training
When you start sleep training, both parents should be consistent with the approach to maximize success.
Pumping
Dads can wash pump parts and bottles to make pumping easier so mom can rest between feeds.
Soothing techniques
Share creative solutions you’ve each found that comfort baby at night. Learning from each other benefits all.
Mom’s maternity leave
If mom is home on leave in early months while dad works, he can take over feeds when he’s home so she can rest.
Premature babies
More frequent feedings for preemies makes sharing night care an even higher priority to avoid parental burnout.
The bottom line
While balancing infants’ nighttime needs with work is challenging, research strongly suggests working dads should help with night feeds. An equitable approach lightens mom’s load, allows breastfeeding, spurs child development, and benefits whole family. Open communication, teamwork and flexibility help couples adjust. By tackling sleep deprivation together, couples model invaluable skills like gender equity, cooperation and resilience which enrich their little ones’ upbringing from the start. And that’s a legacy worth a few sleepless nights.