Quick Answers
It depends. Talking to an ex can be toxic if:
- You’re not over the relationship and talking keeps re-opening emotional wounds
- Your ex is manipulative or abusive and uses contact to control you
- Talking prevents you from moving on and finding new relationships
However, talking can be healthy if:
- You ended the relationship mutually and respectfully
- Enough time has passed for you both to move on
- You set clear boundaries and keep conversations casual
The key is being aware of your motives and whether contact causes more harm or good.
When Talking to an Ex is Toxic
For many people, staying in touch with an ex can be problematic and prevent them from having a clean break. Here are some signs that communication with your former partner has become unhealthy and keeping the connection is doing more harm than good:
You’re Not Over the Breakup
If you still have unresolved feelings for your ex or you never got closure, talking to them can make it very difficult to move on. Every conversation brings up painful memories and reopens emotional wounds. Rather than providing comfort, keeping in touch prevents you from gaining distance and perspective.
Your Ex Was Manipulative or Abusive
If your former partner mistreated you or tried to control you, they may use communication to continue exerting power over you even after the breakup. Abusive and manipulative exes often use texts, calls, emails, and social media to monitor you, make you feel guilty, or scare you into getting back together. Avoiding contact is essential for your safety and well-being.
Talking Gets in the Way of New Relationships
If you’re dating someone new, staying connected to your ex can sabotage the potential for your new relationship. Your current partner may feel threatened, question where your loyalties lie, or believe you must not be over your ex. This can breed jealousy and mistrust. Your ex can also try to sabotage your efforts to move on.
Conversations Keep Reigniting Hope
When you continue talking to an ex, it’s easy to fall into reminiscing about the good times you shared and imagining what could have been. You may find yourself hoping you’ll get back together someday. These fantasies make it hard to accept the relationship is over and prevent you from disentangling.
Your Ex Crosses Boundaries
Even if you intend conversations to be casual, your ex may have different ideas. They may inappropriately dump emotional struggles on you, ask prying questions about your dating life, request favors, or pressure you to get back together. Healthy boundaries are crucial when interacting with an ex.
The Breakup Was Recent
If you just went through a split, chances are high that talking to your ex will do more harm than good at this stage. Wait until the intense emotions have had time to settle before attempting a friendship. Premature contact can confuse the situation and make it harder for both of you to gain closure.
One of You Hasn’t Moved On
Transitioning to a platonic friendship requires that both people are 100% over the romantic relationship. If one person secretly hopes to rekindle things, friendly interactions will be painful and repeatedly re-open wounds. Give the relationship plenty of time and space before chatting as “just friends.”
Your Social Circle Overlaps
Staying in contact can get very messy if you and your ex share the same friends and social circles. Hanging out as a group or communicating about mutual friends provides constant reminders of the breakup. Maintaining distance helps avoid awkward interactions in shared social situations going forward.
The Relationship Was Volatile
If your relationship dynamic with your ex was very hot and cold, with frequent arguments and breakups even when you were together, continuing to talk is unlikely to be stable or fulfilling for either of you. Volatile relationships often continue that cycle post-breakup unless the cycle is broken.
You Broke Up For Major Incompatibilities
In cases where you split due to significant problems like infidelity, growing apart, or major lifestyle differences, trying to stay friends often feels forced. Without resolving the underlying issues, friendly interactions are strained and can easily turn ugly.
You Have Trouble Setting Boundaries
If you struggle to set firm boundaries and say no, talking to your ex can easily become a slippery slope. You may get roped into doing things that make you uncomfortable and prevent you from making a clean break. Knowing your limits is key to avoiding this dynamic.
Your Ex Was Emotionally Abusive
Exes who were emotionally abusive during the relationship through put-downs, gaslighting, manipulation, or other toxicity are unlikely to become healthy friends post-breakup without major changes on their part. Protect yourself by cutting contact.
Talking Reopens the Door
Once you start communicating again, it can be all too easy to fall back into old habits and unresolved feelings resurface. Before you know it, you’ve hooked up “one last time” or gotten pulled into harmful relationship patterns. Avoid this risk by making a decisive break.
When Staying in Touch Can Be Healthy
For others, occasional communication with an ex can be totally harmless and even beneficial, depending on the situation. Here are some green flags that staying in touch may be fine:
The Breakup Was Mutual and Respectful
If you and your ex made a conscious, mature decision to end things due to wanting different futures or realizing you’re incompatible, parting on good terms makes friendship potential more likely. With no animosity or hard feelings, casual check-ins can be harmless.
Enough Time Has Passed
Attempting a friendship too soon after a split is often a recipe for disaster. Once significant time has gone by for you both to heal, gain perspective, and move forward separately, the emotions have likely calmed enough to allow platonic interactions.
You Have 100% Moved On
Transitioning to friendship can’t work unless both individuals have fully let go of romantic attachments and expectations. Make sure you’ve worked through lingering feelings and embraced the relationship’s end before chatting as “just friends.”
Your Ex Was Not Toxic or Abusive
If your ex was a fairly kind, respectful person who simply wasn’t the right long-term match, friendship is much more plausible than if they mistreated you. Make sure there are no unresolved red flags before interacting.
You Set Clear Boundaries
To avoid slipping into unhealthy dynamics, establish ground rules like avoiding flirtation, keeping things light, and limiting time spent one-on-one. Mutually agreeing to boundaries makes friendly interactions smoother.
Your Social Circles Don’t Overlap
If you and your ex don’t share the same friend group or hang out in the same social spheres, occasional casual check-ins come with lower stakes. There’s less opportunity for drama or awkwardness if your lives are separate.
You Broke Up Due to Circumstances
If logistical reasons like moving, busy schedules, or long distance caused the split, but you otherwise got along well, there may be potential to preserve the friendship. Discussing this upfront helps avoid misunderstandings.
You Have Good Self-Control
If you possess robust emotional boundaries and know you won’t get sucked back into the relationship, texting or calling your ex now and then is far less risky. Good self-awareness reduces potential pitfalls.
You Can Be Totally Transparent with Partners
If you end up dating someone new down the line, it’s key that you feel comfortable introducing your partner to your ex and being open about the friendship. Secrecy is a big red flag.
Your Intentions Are Purely Platonic
You must be honest with yourself. If deep down you’re clinging to hope of reunion, friendship will only cause pain. True acceptance that romance is off the table is essential for healthy communication.
Tips for Communicating Safely with an Ex
If you and your ex do decide to remain in contact, there are ways to maintain appropriate boundaries and avoid pitfalls:
| Do | Don’t |
|---|---|
| Keep conversations light and brief | Get into deep emotional discussions |
| Limit contact to occasional check-ins | Initiate constant communication |
| Meet only in public settings | Spend time alone at home together |
| Set clear parameters and stick to them | Leave boundaries ambiguous |
| Keep evolving your separate lives | Fill each other in on every detail |
| Let new partners know about the friendship | Hide interactions from new significant others |
| Respect each other’s new relationships | Flirt, undermine each other’s partners, or try to instill jealousy |
If you notice warning signs like frequently arguing, feeling emotionally drained, or getting pulled back into constant contact, the friendship may no longer be viable. Don’t hesitate to cut contact if necessary for your well-being.
How to Have a Clean Breakup
For the best chance at an amicable post-breakup dynamic, you want the split itself to be as mutual, compassionate, and respectful as possible. Here are tips for a cleaner break:
- Discuss issues openly as they arise rather than letting resentment build
- Avoid blaming and remain as calm as possible
- Give each other space to process the situation
- Listen to each other’s feelings and perspectives
- Validate emotions by acknowledging what a difficult decision it is
- Agree to joint ownership for problems, rather than pinning blame
- Express appreciation for the meaningful aspects of the relationship
- Make a conscious mutual choice to part ways if needed
- Leave the door open slightly to potential future friendly contact
- Give each other the closure that’s needed before going separate ways
Making the break itself as clean and caring as possible sets the tone for potential interactions going forward, if you choose to remain in contact down the line.
Signs It’s Time to Cut Contact
Occasionally checking in with an ex can work out fine. But other times, attempting friendship eventually slides into negative territory. Signs it’s healthiest to make a decisive break include:
- Conversations regularly turn into arguments
- Hearing from your ex stirs up strong sadness, anger, or resentment
- You feel constantly drained or upset after interacting
- Your ex crosses reasonable boundaries you try to set
- You find yourself hoping to get back together
- You feel jealous when your ex dates other people
- Your new romantic partner expresses discomfort
- Your ex attempts to pit you against your current partner
- You hide interactions from new significant others
- Flirtation or ambiguity enters the friendship
- You spend excessive time reminiscing about the past
- Your life feels “on hold” when you talk frequently
At the first signs of toxicity, have an honest conversation about limiting contact. If issues persist, cutting off communication altogether may be healthiest for both parties.
Will No Contact Help Me Move On?
Many relationship experts recommend a period of no contact after a breakup before attempting to be friends. This means completely cutting off communication and avoiding interacting for a set amount of time, like 30 days. Reasons no contact can help you move forward include:
- Prevents emotionally charged interactions early on
- Gives space to gain clarity without distraction
- Allows uncomfortable emotions to begin settling
- Helps break entanglement and codependent patterns
- Reduces temptation to slip back into the relationship
- Lets you start rebuilding your sense of self
- Opens your eyes to new opportunities and possibilities
After the no contact period, you can re-evaluate whether resumed contact seems appropriate and mutually beneficial. Just don’t be surprised if one or both of you no longer feel interested in friendship.
Healthy Mindset Shifts to Make
More than whether you talk to an ex, what matters most is your underlying mindset. Here are some helpful ways to shift your beliefs and priorities to promote healing:
- Accept that the relationship has run its course
- Let go of fantasies the ex will come back
- Wish your ex well and release with love
- Acknowledge your part in relationship dynamics
- Learn important lessons for future relationships
- Gain closure through self-forgiveness
- Focus fully on your own growth and fulfillment
- Embrace life’s new possibilities
- Create your own peace and happiness
Rather than obsessing about what your ex is up to, get curious about your own path ahead. Staying anchored in your own life prevents over-attachment to another.
Trust Your Intuition
At the end of the day, you have to make the choice that feels right for you regarding contact with your ex after a breakup. Carefully tune into your emotions and intuition. Are you able to interact in a balanced way that supports your well-being? Or do you notice contact reactivating strong attachment and impairing your growth? Be brutally honest with yourself.
Make choices aligned with your highest good. If you sense talking is causing more harm than good, don’t hesitate to pull back or cut contact altogether. Your number one job is taking care of yourself. Only you can discern what feels healthiest. Trust your instincts, enforce strong boundaries, and choose wisely.
Conclusion
Staying in touch with an ex is a highly personal decision. For some, occasional texts or check-ins are totally harmless. For others, clean breaks are healthiest. much depends on your unique relationship history, current mindsets, and capacity to set boundaries. While friendships can form in the right circumstances, proceed with caution. Your main focus should be on your own fulfillment. If in doubt, don’t hesitate to limit contact or cut ties completely in order to heal.
