Understanding jealousy in open relationships
Jealousy is a natural emotion that many people experience, especially in non-monogamous relationships like open relationships. While some jealousy is normal, excessive jealousy can damage a relationship. If you find yourself frequently jealous in your open relationship, there are constructive ways to manage these feelings.
Jealousy often stems from fear – fear of loss, fear of missing out, fear of abandonment. Humans are wired for monogamy, so defying norms by being non-monogamous can bring up primal insecurities. Take comfort in knowing jealousy does not automatically mean you are a bad partner or that your relationship is doomed. But you must address jealousy properly to maintain a healthy open relationship.
Why am I feeling jealous?
When jealous feelings well up, get curious about what fears or insecurities are fueling your jealousy. Ask yourself:
– What specifically about my partner’s other relationship is making me jealous? The time spent away from me, sexual intimacy with someone else, etc?
– Does this jealousy highlight my personal insecurities around my self-worth, attractiveness, etc?
– Does this tap into any past relationship hurts like cheating, dishonesty or rejection?
– Am I feeling insecure about the stability of my relationship with this person?
– Do I feel threatened by this other partner in some way?
– Am I jealous because some need of mine is not being met? A need for more quality time, affection, sex, commitment, etc?
Digging into the root causes of jealousy will help you find solutions tailored to your unique situation.
Communicate openly and set boundaries
Communication is absolutely essential to managing jealousy in open relationships. You must discuss jealousy openly, respectfully and regularly with your partner. Share when you feel jealous and talk through what is bothering you. Be vulnerable about your hurts, fears, insecurities and unmet needs. A caring partner will receive your feelings with empathy.
After expressing your jealousy, discuss how to mitigate it. You may need reassurance sometimes. You may need your partner to share more details about their dates to build trust. You may need extra one-on-one dates after they see someone else. Find reasonable accommodations that help you feel more secure.
Also set appropriate boundaries around what you can accept related to their other relationships. Maybe you do not want your partner staying overnight with someone else. Maybe you want advance notice before they go on dates. Boundaries give a sense of control. But beware of restrictions that try to limit your partner’s autonomy.
Practice effective distraction techniques
When jealous feelings hit, having healthy distraction techniques you can deploy quickly can short circuit destructive thought patterns. Here are some positive ways to distract yourself:
– Call a friend to talk things out
– Exercise and discharge nervous energy
– Dive into a hobby you find immersive
– Write in a journal
– Take a bath or shower
– Read a book
– Play with a pet
– Listen to soothing music
– Watch something lighthearted on TV
The key is to break the trance of jealous rumination quickly before it spirals. Have your list of favorite distractions ready so you can act fast when jealous thoughts arise.
Keep your schedule full
Staying active and engaged can prevent boredom and brooding about your partner’s activities. Avoid sitting at home alone stewing about what they might be doing. When you have less empty time on your hands, there is less time to mull over jealous thoughts.
Fill your schedule with enriching activities:
– Plan solo time with friends who uplift you
– Pursue hobbies that fascinate you
– Take a class to learn something new
– Work on passion projects
– Volunteer for a cause
– Get active with exercise or sports
– Make dates with other partners
– Schedule quality time with family
– Run errands
– Go on outings or mini trips
Immerse yourself in fulfilling activities, especially when your partner is occupied elsewhere.
Refocus on your own self-worth
Jealousy can often signal you have entwined your sense of self too much with a partner. To combat jealousy, spend time shoring up your self-esteem independent of the relationship. Affirm your positive qualities, talents, values and purpose. Become your best possible self by pursuing personal growth.
Boost self-worth by:
– Writing in a gratitude journal each morning
– Creating a highlights reel of your accomplishments
– Spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself
– Developing skills and hobbies that bring confidence
– Working with a therapist or coach
– Taking care of your physical and mental health
– Reading books that inspire personal development
– Doing esteem-boosting physical activities like dance classes
When you feel grounded in your sense of self-worth, you will feel less threatened when your partner connects with others.
Get support from friends
Do not try to cope with jealousy alone. Leaning on close friends for support during bouts of jealousy can be extremely helpful. Venting your feelings aloud to someone who will listen without judgment can diffuse overwhelming emotions quickly. And getting an outside perspective from someone you trust helps prevent distorted negative thinking.
However, take care in choosing supportive friends who will be understanding of open relationships rather than critical. Meet with open-minded friends who want the best for both you and your partner. Ask them to gently challenge jealous attitudes that seem irrational or unhealthy while still validating your underlying feelings. Their support can be invaluable in learning to overcome jealousy.
Practice mindfulness and self-soothing
There are many relaxation practices that can calm jealousy’s intensity. Mindfulness meditation helps you notice jealous thoughts and feelings without reacting to them. Set aside 10 minutes each day to sit quietly focusing on your breath and gently releasing distracting thoughts. This calms emotions like jealousy.
Likewise, self-soothing techniques ease difficult feelings. Make a playlist of songs that inspire a positive mindset. Take relaxing baths or massages. Drink herbal tea. Diffuse calming essential oils like lavender. Snuggle under a cozy blanket. Find small ways to nourish your senses that settle your nervous system.
When jealousy surfaces, you will be better equipped to respond mindfully rather than lashing out if you devote time regularly to centering practices.
Challenge jealous thoughts
Irrational or exaggerated thoughts often fuel jealous feelings. When you notice these thoughts cropping up, actively challenge them:
– My partner will leave me for their new partner. What evidence do I have this is true? They have consistently demonstrated their commitment to me.
– My partner must be more attracted to this new person. This likely stems from my own insecurity, not reality. My partner assures me their feelings for me are unchanged.
– My partner is secretive about their other relationship. Are they actually being evasive, or am I over-scrutinizing their actions based on my own jealousy?
Ask yourself: is this thought rational and based in reality? Or is my jealousy distorting the facts to fit my fears? Reasoning through jealous thoughts with logic defuses their power over you.
Seek professional help
It is perfectly normal to feel occasional jealousy in open relationships. But if you find yourself continually struggling with intense and irrational jealousy that interferes with your life, consider seeking help from a therapist. They can offer tools tailored to your situation, including cognitive-behavioral techniques. Therapists can also screen for and address any underlying mental health issues like anxiety, depression or personality disorders that may contribute to chronic jealousy issues. With professional guidance, you can get jealousy under control.
Decide if an open relationship is right for you
Being non-monogamous is not for everyone. Take an honest look at yourself and ask: do I think I will ever be comfortable with my partner seeing other people? Or does even the idea make me far too jealous? Do I ultimately want monogamy?
If jealousy remains an insurmountable issue even after concerted efforts to work through it, accept that open relationships may not align with your values and needs. It is better to amicably part ways than to force yourself into a relationship structure that breeds unhealthy jealousy. Either choose monogamy with your partner or find a new monogamous partner instead.
Conclusion
Jealousy in open relationships is normal, but excessive jealousy will destroy your relationship. With understanding, communication, boundary setting and self-work, most people can keep jealousy at bay. But tackle jealousy promptly when it arises before small issues snowball. If jealousy remains out of control despite your best efforts, you may just be monogamous at heart. There is no shame in admitting an open relationship does not suit you – and then finding one that does.