What is loneliness?
Loneliness is defined as the unpleasant feeling of having a lack of companionship or being isolated. It is a subjective feeling experienced when there is a discrepancy between the social relationships one wishes to have and those they perceive themselves as having. Loneliness is complex and multifaceted – it involves thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. While solitude refers to physical isolation, loneliness refers to the way one perceives their isolation and their satisfaction with their relationships.
Some common causes of loneliness include:
- Lack of close, meaningful relationships
- Few social connections or interactions with others
- Feeling disconnected from a community
- Experiencing life transitions like moving, changing jobs, retiring, etc.
- Going through difficult life events like bereavement, divorce, etc.
Loneliness is a common human experience – almost everyone feels lonely at some point. However, chronic loneliness can negatively impact both mental and physical health. It has been linked to issues like depression, anxiety, cognitive decline, heart disease, and premature mortality. This makes finding ways to cope with and overcome loneliness extremely important.
Why is loneliness so painful?
There are several reasons why loneliness can be so distressing:
Social isolation goes against our evolutionary nature
Humans are inherently social creatures. Our ancestors survived and thrived by banding together in tribes and communities. Social connection was critical for safety, resource sharing, finding mates, raising families, and more. We evolved to experience distress when socially isolated because it threatened our ancestral tribes’ cohesion and survival. While the tribe is less crucial today, we still feel an instinctive need to belong. Loneliness represents a threat to this need.
It violates our need to belong
All humans have a fundamental need to form and maintain strong interpersonal relationships. We seek out bonds starting from birth with caregivers. Belonging to social groups gives us stability, security, identity, and purpose. Loneliness makes us feel excluded and rejected from the groups we wish to be a part of. This social pain motivates us to repair broken social bonds.
It activates physical and psychological self-preservation mechanisms
Because early humans relied so heavily on their social group for survival, loneliness would have represented a significant threat. In response, the brain developed self-preservation mechanisms like increased vigilance, risk-avoidance, and aggression to motivate us to rejoin a group. Loneliness continues to activate these mechanisms today, causing distress and hypervigilance.
It leads to negative thought patterns
When we feel socially disconnected for prolonged periods, we are prone to cognitive distortions like:
- Exaggerating perceived flaws or unlikeable traits
- Feeling like an outsider who will never belong
- Believing we will always be alone in the future
This type of negative self-referential thinking exacerbates feelings of loneliness.
How can I cope with and overcome loneliness?
If you are struggling with loneliness, there are constructive steps you can take to manage those feelings:
Identify the root causes
Reflect on when your loneliness began and what life events may have triggered it. Were there changes to your living situation, relationships, job, or health? Understanding the sources can reveal actionable solutions. For example, joining a new hobby group if you recently moved to a new city without your social network.
Actively cultivate social connections
Make building meaningful relationships an intentional priority, not just incidental socializing. Regularly reach out to existing friends and acquaintances via phone, text, video chats, or in person. Get involved with groups centered around hobbies, interests, sports, volunteering, spirituality, etc. The more you engage with others, the less isolated you will feel.
Work on self-compassion
Loneliness often involves negative self-judgments like feeling flawed or unworthy of love. Counteract this by practicing self-compassion – talk to yourself with kindness, recognize loneliness is a shared experience, and be patient with yourself. Therapy can help too.
Make lifestyle changes
Certain lifestyle factors can worsen isolation, like being sedentary, not getting outside, or lack of routine. Make healthy changes like exercising regularly, spending time in nature, planning activities, and joining community groups. Having a fulfilling schedule can reduce loneliness.
Limit social media use
While social media provides digital connection, research shows it can increase loneliness and envy in excess. Be mindful of how much time you spend consuming filtered content online versus real social interactions.
Consider therapy
For chronic, severe loneliness, seeking counseling can be very beneficial. Therapists provide a listening ear and teach techniques to challenge negative thought patterns exacerbating loneliness. If other mental health issues co-occur, therapy provides help.
Practice gratitude and mindfulness
Studies show gratitude journaling and mindfulness meditation can reduce loneliness. Appreciating positive social connections you do have and remaining present in the moment without judgement can improve your mental state.
Join a support group
Support groups allow members to share experiences and advice for coping with challenging issues. Joining a group for loneliness can provide understanding, tips, and companionship from others facing the same problems.
Consider a pet
Animal companionship can satisfy social needs and provide unconditional affection. Pets like dogs especially encourage more social interaction with other pet owners during walks. If your lifestyle permits, adopting a pet can offer companionship.
How can I find meaning in life despite loneliness?
It is possible to create purpose and contentment even while struggling with loneliness:
Engage in altruism
Volunteering to help others in need can make your life feel meaningful. Contributing your time and empathy to serve a cause bigger than yourself creates a sense of purpose.
Pursue passion projects
Set goals to develop your skills or talents, like learning an instrument or language. Having creative or intellectual outlets you’re passionate about provides fulfillment.
Immerse yourself in nature
Studies demonstrate spending time outdoors, especially surrounded by trees or water, reduces stress hormones, depression, and loneliness. Connecting with nature is deeply calming.
Find spirituality
For some, faith provides a sense of meaning, inner peace, and community. Exploring religious or spiritual beliefs you resonate with can help combat isolation.
Engage in self-care and self-love
Instead of seeking external validation, work on your relationship with yourself through sufficient sleep, healthy eating, physical activity, relaxing hobbies, etc. Prioritize your wellbeing.
Practice mindfulness and gratitude
Cultivating present moment awareness of your thoughts and surroundings without judgment reduces negative thinking patterns fueling loneliness. Expressing daily gratitude also helps.
Set meaningful goals
Goals give direction and motivate you. Set short and long-term goals to develop skills, build habits, or accomplish milestones anchored in your values. Progress provides purpose.
Find acceptance
Sometimes loneliness cannot be eliminated entirely. In those cases, focusing on self-acceptance and self-compassion helps prevent it from defining your whole life. You can still find fulfillment.
How can I reframe my perspective on loneliness?
Adjusting how you perceive and think about loneliness can help reduce its intensity. Some tips:
View it as temporary
Loneliness fluctuates based on life circumstances – remember current loneliness does not necessarily predict permanent isolation. Moods change.
Recognize social needs differ
Everyone has varying social needs. Instead of comparing yourself to more extroverted people, accept your personality and optimal level of interaction.
Avoid catastrophic thinking
Thoughts like “I’ll always be alone” are distortions not grounded in fact. Loneliness feels overwhelming in the moment, but you cannot predict the future.
Be kind to yourself
Blaming yourself or thinking you are flawed can worsen loneliness. Treat yourself with compassion – isolation is a normal human experience.
Reframe solitude as positive
Time alone can be used for self-improvement, creative pursuits, relaxation, and spiritual growth. Solitude has benefits despite loneliness.
Join online communities
For some with mobility challenges or remote lifestyles, online groups can provide a sense of belonging and interaction with like-minded people.
Focus outward rather than inward
Shifting attention to contributing positivity externally – through volunteering, community support, acts of kindness – relieves self-focused rumination.
What role can loved ones play?
If you have a friend or family member struggling with loneliness, you can provide crucial support:
- Check in regularly to reduce their isolation
- Offer empathetic listening when they need to share feelings
- Include them in social activities and outings
- Remind them their value is not defined by loneliness
- Encourage counseling if loneliness persists
- Help generate ideas for meaningful activities
- Assist in researching mental health support resources
- Show understanding during periods of decline
- Provide reassurance they have your companionship
Even small gestures to demonstrate love can make a meaningful difference.
Conclusion
In summary, loneliness is a painful but common human experience arising from inadequate meaningful connections. While not easy, it is possible to combat loneliness by cultivating social bonds, pursuing fulfillment, practicing self-compassion, and reframing thought patterns. Support from loved ones also makes a crucial difference. Prioritizing self-care and emotional wellbeing helps prevent it from overwhelming life. With time and concerted effort, it is possible to create a life of purpose and contentment, even while working through isolation.
| Cause | Solution |
|---|---|
| Lack of social connections | Reach out more to friends, make new connections through hobbies/interests |
| Major life transitions | Join groups related to your new stage of life to find belonging |
| Negative thought patterns | Cognitive behavioral therapy to reframe thoughts |
