Having a crush can be an exciting but also confusing experience. You may find yourself constantly thinking about a certain person and longing for their attention. But how can you tell if what you’re feeling is truly a crush, or if you just enjoy the validation that comes from their interest in you?
What does having a crush feel like?
When you have a crush on someone, you not only feel drawn to them, but you actually feel different when you’re around them. Common signs of having a crush include:
- Butterflies in your stomach when you’re near them
- Looking forward to seeing or talking to them
- Wanting to impress them or get their approval
- Finding excuses to touch them or be close to them
- Feeling distracted when you think about them
- Smiling or blushing more when you’re interacting with them
You don’t just enjoy their company in a platonic way – you feel a strong romantic or physical attraction. Your mood shifts when they’re around, and you want to share deeper connections. There’s an underlying excitement and tension that comes from having romantic feelings for them.
Signs you just like the attention
On the other hand, sometimes perceived crushes are simply a case of enjoying the validation and attention of another person. Rather than feeling attracted to who they are, you may just like how they make you feel about yourself. Here are some signs this might be the case:
- You’re mostly interested in talking about yourself and your life when you’re together
- You enjoy compliments from them but don’t ask much about their life
- When you’re apart, you don’t think about them much
- You feel good when they laugh at your jokes or flirt with you
- You competitively compare their attention to you versus others
- You get bored if the conversation moves away from you for too long
Rather than feeling intoxicated by their presence, you just like the confidence boost you get from the way they look at you or treat you. Once the attention fades, so does your interest.
How to tell the difference
Telling the difference between a crush and simply enjoying attention can take some reflection, but here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Do you still think about them when you’re alone?
- Do you care about their interests, values, and life outside of you?
- Do you feel attracted to their whole personality, not just how they make you feel?
- Would you want to hang out even if you knew they couldn’t give you attention?
- Do you think about wanting physical intimacy with them, not just talking?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, it’s likely you have a real crush! If it’s mostly just validation you miss when they’re gone, you may need to reflect on why you crave that so much from others.
Should you act on your crush?
If you’ve determined you have a real romantic crush on someone, the next question is – what should you do about it? Here are some dos and don’ts:
Do:
- Flirt and look for signs they like you back before making any bold moves
- Confide in a close friend to process your feelings
- Get to know them better as a potential partner
- Ask them on date to a casual setting like coffee or a movie
- Keep signs of affection subtle at first so you don’t overwhelm them
Don’t:
- Confess your undying love and attraction too quickly
- Change your whole schedule or priorities to revolve around them
- Stalk them or obsess over every interaction
- Send them constant texts, calls, gifts if they haven’t reciprocated interest
- Put them on a pedestal or lose sight of your own worth
The beginning stages of a crush can be magical, but remember to give it time to develop naturally and maintain perspective. Be flattered they like you, but don’t bend over backwards for attention if the feelings aren’t mutual.
What if you just like the attention?
If you realize you were mostly enjoying the ego boost of attention from your crush, take some time for self-reflection. Consider:
- Why do you crave validation from others so much? Insecurity, loneliness?
- Do you need more positive sources of self-esteem?
- Are you being as good a friend to them as they have been to you?
- How can you focus less on getting validation and more on meaningful connections?
Attention feels nice in the moment, but it’s fleeting and doesn’t meet our deeper needs. Shift the focus to nurturing the relationships and qualities that matter most in your life.
Takeaway on crushes vs. attention
Here are some key takeaways:
- Real crushes make you feel different even when you’re alone – it’s not just validation
- Give new crushes time and space to develop before assuming reciprocity
- Learn to meet your needs for esteem from within, not just through others’ attention
- Focus on meaningful relationships beyond surface level flattery or flirting
- Don’t obsess over a crush or bend over backwards for them too quickly
Learning to identify the difference between a crush and a craving for attention is an important step in healthy relationships and self-esteem. Pay attention to how the person makes you feel about yourself as well as who they are outside of you. With more awareness, you can start building connections that go beyond the surface and bring true happiness.
| Signs of a crush | Signs you just like attention |
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Dealing with unhealthy crushes
Sometimes even genuine crushes can become unhealthy obsessions. Signs yours has crossed that line:
- You stalk them or can’t stop thinking about them
- You put them on an unrealistic pedestal
- You feel desperate for their attention and depressed without it
- The crush interferes with your daily life and priorities
- You still pursue them even if they say they’re not interested
If this describes your crush, take steps to gain perspective:
- Reduce contact and unfollow on social media for a while
- Build your confidence and interests outside of them
- Spend more time with friends who ground you in reality
- Remind yourself of their flaws and that it’s fantasy, not reality
- Consider counseling if it disrupts your ability to function
Fantasizing about a crush is normal, but if it crosses into obsession, acknowledge that it’s become unhealthy. Work on self-care and look for support in moving forward.
How to get over someone
If your crush ultimately doesn’t share your feelings, it’s important to focus on moving on so you can heal. Here are constructive ways to start getting over someone:
- Let yourself feel it. Acknowledge your hurt feelings instead of repressing them.
- Remove reminders and distance yourself. Hide their photos and resist checking their social media.
- Invest your energy elsewhere. Pursue new hobbies, goals, and outings with friends.
- Change your patterns. Take a different route to work, pick up new habits.
- Date yourself. Treat yourself to solo dates doing things you love.
The sadness will fade with time if you focus your energy on self-care and personal growth. Letting go is difficult, but makes room for relationships that can flourish.
Incorporating lessons into future crushes
While intense crushes and relationship hopes won’t always become reality, you can take lessons from the experience into the future. Reflect on:
- What you admired about them and want to find in a partner
- Any red or green flags you may have missed before
- What priorities or boundaries might help next time
- How you can build confidence aside from validation
- Rhythms of contact or pacing that feel healthy to you
View past crushes as practice in understanding your needs and desires in a relationship. Let the experience help guide you toward connections where you can show up as your best self.
Conclusion
Navigating crushes and romantic attraction is a rollercoaster of emotions. With some reflection you can better understand the difference between genuine crushes versus seeking attention and validation. Be compassionate with yourself throughout the process, but also know when to pull back from unhealthy obsessions. Focus on nurturing your whole self, not just feeding one fantasy. If a crush ends, embrace the hurt then redirect your energy to personal growth. Staying grounded in yourself will help you find relationships where you can healthily give and receive love.
